Mortal Kombat Annihilation Remedy

After a week of going through two and a half cases of Jack Daniels and Coke in order to put myself into the drunken stupor I’m sure the director and producers of Mortal Kombat Annihilation were in when they made the film I believe I am ready to try as best I can to fix this mess. This being my first Remedy to a review I just want to let you know the guidelines I’ve put in place when looking at remedying a movie or game. Basically I’m going to try and keep this as realistic as possible and not fly off the handle on requests I know would not have been available to this movie. For example I’m not going to suggest that Michael Mann or Peter Jackson direct this movie because in reality those sorts of guys would never touch a film like this. In essence this will simply be how the director, writers and producers could have better used the facilities at their disposal to not fuck up nearly as badly as what they did. With that said let me move on to my thoughts on how to improve Mortal Kombat Annihilation.


First things first the story is complete rubbish. As you would have read in my review the first hour and a bit of this movie is a complete waste of time as the movie jumps to a completely nonsensical plot line involving Shao Khan and Raiden being brothers (even thinking about that still makes me cringe) when in reality there are plenty of ways to have the Kitana storyline work. In my musings over the week I have come up with two storylines that would have fit better using the Kitana and Sindel reunion model. The better of the two would have been to use Mileena as she was intended. Mileena’s role in the mythology of MK is that she is Kitana’s clone and her sole purpose is to pose as Kitana and rule Edenia. This way you could have had Kitana kidnapped (not by Scorpion, but I’ll get to that) and then have Mileena take her place with the group none the wiser. The tension could then be built around this until it finally comes to a head when they capture Sindel and the reunion fails when the gang find out it’s Mileena not Kitana that’s been with them the whole time. The final battle could then not only be for the restoration of Earth but also to save Kitana from the clutches of Khan. While I will admit this is a little cliché it at least ties the story together as one whole as opposed to an hour of time wasting and twenty minutes of stupidity. One really big plus for this storyline is that it would lead to one truly great “holy shit” moment. For those not fully aware of Mileena I will explain this moment (that Mortal Kombat fans already know is coming). While I said above that Mileena is Kitana’s clone she is not entirely a mirror image. Every part of her is the same except for her mouth which is Tarkarten. What that means is that her mouth resembles that of Baraka’s in that she has giant fangs that jut out of her overly large mouth. This would be a great moment in two ways, fans of MK would be waiting for this reveal as they know it’s coming where as people unfamiliar with the series would be taken back by the reveal that Mileena resembles one of the incarnations of The Thing from John Carpenter’s movie. The story would resolve itself with the villains dying and the proper Kitana being reunited with Sindel to destroy the portals and restore the realms. I hope you would agree that actually sounds like a proper movie with a cohesive story.

HOLY SHIT. See what I mean!

The second of my two ideas revolves around giving Sheeva a much bigger role in this movie then she has. The movie briefly touches on the fact that Sheeva and Motaro don’t like each other by having them bitch at each other before getting into a scuffle that more resembles a hug then a fight. Going back to the game series Sheeva and Motaro don’t just dislike each other, they fucking hate each other! So much so that in the game Sheeva actually helps Jax in his attempts to kill Motaro. But if there was only some way to write into the script the complexity of having a villain change sides through the movie. I mean it’s not as if any other movie has done it before, well no other movies besides ALL THE MOVIES THAT DO THIS!! Seriously if they had studied the source material (and this is from MK3, the game the movie is based on so they didn’t have to look far) they could have noticed this little fact and made it a major element of the movie. How I would envision it is that again Kitana is kidnapped and while she is being held in Khan’s fortress she notices the discontent between Sheeva and Motaro. When Kang rescues Kitana instead of having that fucking stupid ACME inspired death of Sheeva the three could duke it out until Kitana convinces Sheeva to switch sides to spite Motaro. Then in the end battle you set up, what should be, a great fight with Motaro taking on Jax and Sheeva. The demise of Motaro then makes far more sense as you could imagine him being overpowered by both Jax and Sheeva as opposed to Jax simply beating him by believing in his own mortality! This adds something new as we have seen a Shokan (the race that Goro and Sheeva are) be evil and indestructible but this movie had a chance to show that they can be good forces used by humans, which nerdishly ties into the gaming history of Sheeva as she was the first Shokan a human player could play as! I’m not saying these storylines would have turned this into an epic movie all I’m saying is that I truly believe either of these stories could have made a more enjoyable experience out of the movie. I hope you agree.

Now that the story is out of the way the next thing to fix is to cull some of the characters from this movie. This movie definitely suffers from the same illness as the Street Fighter movie (and don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about that piece of shit) in that it tries to cram so many different characters from the game into the movie thinking that fans of the game will be so impressed when really all we need is about six or seven characters done correctly then twenty done poorly. Here is my list of characters that should have not been in this movie and how you would go about fixing it in their absence.

• Scorpion – To have one of the major characters of the MK series only appear as a cameo is just unforgivable so if he’s not going to be a major part then he doesn’t need to be there. But now you’re asking who kidnaps Kitana... oh I don’t know maybe SECTOR! For real, this movie uses both Cyrax and Smoke (and Smoke is a hidden character from MK3) surely they could have shelled out another $50 to make a red robot costume and have Sector!

• Nightwolf – I hope I got across to you in my review just how utterly stupid the animality plot in the movie is. It’s done completely wrong, it doesn’t decide anything and it looks unbelievably cheap. Again not to mention that animalities were only a side note in the MK series and not a major device carried throughout the series. I say cut the animality subplot and the piss poor excuse for Nightwolf while you’re at it.

• Jade – I don’t need to say anymore about this do I. If you’re not even going to cast her correctly then don’t bother and as I’ve said above this role should have gone to Mileena anyway.

• Baraka – The Jim Henson snotball that is Baraka in this movie is a disgrace and a true slap in the face to fans of Baraka, like myself. Leave Baraka alone and at the very least this scene should have been where Liu Kang fought Sheeva.

• The “Reptiles” – I proved that MK nerds would have spotted that these things should not have been in the movie so this would have been a good time to tie up a loose end. For example have Raiden fight Scorpion (or if I had my way, Sector) so at least the audience gets a decent fight and one of the many characters without an end gets one.

Yeah, look how lame Sector is. I wouldn't bother either....... IDIOTS!

Removing these characters would give you the ability to build on the ones you have left in and really make the audience appreciate what you have done with them.

When you are creating a movie from an already established source, such as a book or video game, it is very important that you follow the flow and traditions of that medium to the letter. These sorts of movies are not a licence to add your original creations into the mix and see if they fly. If you want to include original ideas then here’s an idea CREATE AN ORIGINAL FUCKING MOVIE! I am of course referring to two key things from Annihilation; the Velospheres and Puff the barely credible CG menace. Firstly the Velospheres are not from any Mortal Kombat game and the tragedy of all this is all the writers needed to do was have portals in their place. Portals are all over the place in Mortal Kombat and we easily would have bought this but instead the writers had a massive Gladiators hard-on and wanted to include some cage balls. Ditch them! Then there is the CG monster that I still have no idea what it is. I had a friend tell me after my review that he heard it’s suppose to be Kintaro which I hope is not true because it is really fucking sad if that is the case. Kintaro is basically a hairy version of Goro so to misinterpret him that badly is worse than the fuck up with Turquoise.. Hey at least they got her gender right. I choose to believe this was simply the director wanting to flex his CG muscle and thinking this was way cooler then it was. I reiterate, you have a whole cast of evil monsters to use, this is not the time to add something new that is only going to confuse general viewers and piss off fans. Both of these ideas should have been left on the cutting room floor.

The final piece of remedy I have for this movie is kind of the opposite of the point above and that is to embrace the elements of the game you are making a movie about. A really easy way to do this is to include some of the stages from Mortal Kombat. To a certain degree some of the stages of Mortal Kombat are more famous then the characters. Imagine if you will the fight between Liu Kang and Smoke taking place at the Dead Pool or the fight between Raiden and the Reptiles (or Sector if I had my way) taking place at the Subway or the ultimate; have the final duel between Kang and Khan take place at The Pit. Fans of MK would instantly recognise these places and not only enjoy the fight more but also remember their own virtual battles at these locations. On top of this you could even include some stage fatalities from these places. While the character fatalities can be a bit full-on for the PG rated movie they are going for the stage fatalities aren’t nearly as bad especially if they are robots being hurled into them. What’s the harm of having Smoke thrown into a pool of acid or Sector being hit by a train? The fans get their fatality fix and you get to keep your precious PG rating.

Stages like this would have added some much needed atmosphere

Another way of doing this is to just leave little “Easter eggs” I guess you’d call them for the fans. For example, have the gang come across a guy in a black trench coat with two hookswords sticking out of him, a reference to Kabal’s slaying of Mavado or how about having a steel bladed hat jutting out of one of the walls at the final battle that Kang hurls at Khan. It’s little things like this that let fans of the movie know that a fan made this movie and not just some asshole who was looking to make money off of gaming culture. There is no need to overdo it, like Alien Vs Predator does (and don’t worry I haven’t forgotten about that piece of shit either) but just some slight references that fans will notice is a nice touch to any movie with a cult following.

It’s hard to do a remedy of Mortal Kombat Annihilation without mentioning the viral YouTube video for Mortal Kombat Rebirth. For those of you who haven’t seen it check it out because it is worth a look. While I am against the fact that this seems to have thrown away the theme of Mortal Kombat, that being a tournament to decide the fate of the realms, it would seem that this may finally be the dark, gory film that Mortal Kombat was always supposed to be. How this movie franchise was born neglecting its violent video game roots I will never know as this was the appeal of the video game itself. I mean if you wanted to play a fast paced, well controlled fighting game at the time you were going to play Street Fighter. You were only playing Mortal Kombat to rip someone’s fucking head off. So in that respect Rebirth earns a giant tick as it looks a truer representation of the games then the first two movies combined. The story itself seems a little weak (serials killers meeting in a tournament simply to kill each other?) and I don’t like the fact that Baraka’s background is that he is a failed plastic surgeon but I do have to remind myself that this is only a short pitch for a movie and despite these complaints I would be more than happy to see this turned into a feature film that I would definitely see.

Rebirth's Baraka. Certainly better then Annihilations!

And so ends my remedy of Mortal Kombat Annihilation, while I don’t believe my changes would have made it a truly awesome movie that would have appealed to every movie goer, Mortal Kombat fan or otherwise, I do believe these changes would have made it a far better movie. I will say again that the biggest issue with the movie is its story and the two I pitched I believe would have worked in both the makings of a movie and keeping the ethos of MK intact. Next I tackle my first game review and prove that just because you can make a good horror movie doesn’t mean you can make a good horror game.

The Quest Begins - Mortal Kombat Annihilation Review

This is the movie that started it all. The first movie I ever watched that made me aware that cinema can be an instrument of frustration, confusion and utter stupidity. Everyone has a movie like this one, a movie that irritates you on a personal level. Being a hardened Mortal Kombat fan I had high hopes for both the original movie and its sequel. While the original wasn’t quite what we had in mind for an MK movie (the movie doesn’t even have a single fatality in it) it was at least a structured movie with decent enough characters. Its sequel however, Annihilation, is nothing short of an abomination. This movie is the equivalent of having a monkey through its own filth at you, because you feel both dirty and angry after watching it. Before I begin I would like to issue a warning, as I said above I am a Mortal Kombat fan (which is proving harder and harder to be with the latest string of games released.... a subject for another time) so there will be periods throughout this review in which I will turn into a bit of a fanboy. I will give you pre-warning to when these nerdgasms are going to take place but in my defence I believe I have reason enough to release my inner fanboy. The main reason for this is because, unlike other video game to movie adaptations which don’t give two shits about the game they are based on, this movie actually takes its story straight from one of the games, namely Mortal Kombat 3. The minute the minds behind this movie decided to take this approach they were expected to follow the lore of Mortal Kombat to the letter as not to piss off the target audience for this movie.... as you can already surmise this movie fails, badly.



Before I begin I should give you a summary of the first movie so you can be brought up to speed, Liu Kang and friends were invited to a tournament, Liu Kang and friends killed everyone (PG rated of course), everyone was happy. There, you’re caught up! This movie begins with Shao Khan breaking up the love fest at the end of the first movie and bringing a whole new cast of minions for Liu Kang to kill. Shao Khan, who looks and sounds completely different to what he did in the first movie, explains that the Earth will be destroyed in seven days and basically farts on about how evil he is. Raiden flip jumps at Khan, because you can’t leap into the air in this movie without it looking completely stupid. They then begin to fight while Shao Khan’s army and Raiden’s allies SIMPLY WATCH!! Last time I checked if I’m at a pub and one of my mates is in a fight, you jump into help; you don’t sit back and hope your guy wins, pussies!! FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! During the course of the fight we get to see the cheap special moves of both Raiden and Shao Khan where Raiden does his flying charge (along with stupid inaudible “AUMINADAH” sound effect) and Shao Khan does with green shoulder charge and his........ Hado-Ken?!?!? I’m serious; Shao Khan throws a Hado-Ken at Raiden. I think the movie suddenly had an identity crisis and thought it was a Street Fighter movie. For the record Shao Khan’s projectile comes from his eyes, not his hands. During the melee Johnny Cage finally grows some balls and decides to attack Shao Khan. This turns out to be a mistake as Khan kills Cage while again EVERYONE WATCHES!! Holy shit!! Apparently everyone in this movie believes in a fair fight, even when lives are at risk!

I guess if Shao Khan can do one then anyone can!!

Our heroes escape to an underground tunnel and wonder exactly what is going on. Raiden explains that Sindel (one of the minions Khan brought with him that the movie didn’t bother to introduce us to until now) is the reason Khan could come to Earth and start fucking shit up. FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! This is all the explanation we get from the movie. Raiden simply says “Sindel is the key, and if we reunite Kitana with her then everything should go back to normal”. That’s it! No one wonders why that even works. In the game at least we are told that Sindel’s body is on Earth while Shao Khan is in Outworld, when Sindel is revived Shao Khan is allowed to enter Earth to reclaim his bride and hence the portals are open. The movie obviously thought this was really lame and thought cheap special effects and lame acting were money better spent, a little bit of exposition would not go astray right now!!


After this the gang decides to split up, Kang and Kitana will go find Nightwolf to help defeat Khan while Sonya will go find Jax to help.... well just help. But I hear you asking yourself, how are they going to get around knowing that Khan’s goons are all over the world? Perhaps Raiden will use his powers of teleportation to teleport people there, or there are some mystical portals under the earth that only Elder Gods can use to assist. Unfortunately this movie is far too stupid to come up with modes of transport like that, instead we get the Velospheres. Velospheres are giant cage balls that two people get in and a whisked around the world through a serious of underground tubes to different destinations around the world. THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!! Not only are these never in any Mortal Kombat games but just the design alone is stupid! Forget the whole physics for a second (which alone would make Stephen Hawkings head explode) but in one scene Kang and Kitana arrive at the “interchange” which is basically a chamber in which you are launched over a sea of lava and have to direct yourself to a hole in the wall to continue, and if you fuck this up YOU DIE!! Who would design that, it’s like designing a motorway and planting landmines just so motorists are paying attention. ARGH! Random stupidity!


After their brush with death in the Velospheres Kang and Kitana arrive at a bridge over a lava river and finally feel like revealing their true feelings for each other, all the pent up sexual tension will finally be released, but then arrives Smoke – The Cockblocker, I can relate I was always hate it when cyborg ninjas break up one of my make-out sessions, ruins the mood. FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! During the fight Smoke fires a missile at Kang, now while a robot from MK 3 did fire a missile as an attack, it was Sector not Smoke. In fairness their names are kind of similar so I can forgiv... no I can’t GET IT RIGHT!! Smoke is defeated by being frozen by Sub Zero with a live missile in its chest. For those of you expecting a fanboy alert at this moment it will not be coming because this actually makes sense, when Liu Kang killed the original Sub Zero his brother took over the name to lead the clan, this is actually a storyline from the original game, I know I was shocked too! Sub Zero is then attacked by Scorpion, and again this makes sense since Scorpion is a wraith so he technically cannot be killed, only vanquished, but enough nerdishness because Scorpion and Sub Zero are fighting, this should be awesome........ should be. It’s not much of a fight, basically looks like to cos-players fake fighting each other outside an EB waiting for the next MK game to be released. Also, I hate to harp on the same issue but after Kang and Kitana claim to need Sub Zero’s help they just sit back and watch as Sub Zero fends off Scorpion. Liu stop being such a pussy and fight!!! Anyway the fight ends with Kang saving Sub Zero from a horrible blue screen effect as Scorpion kidnaps Kitana while yelling “Suckers!” Is that a joke, “suckers!!”, c’mon this is Scorpion one of the true badasses of Mortal Kombat and you’ve reduced him to the menace of a fifth grader, fuck I hate this movie. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed seeing Scorpion and Sub Zero because that’s the last time you see them! Serious, two of the most popular characters of the Mortal Kombat series and this jackhole only felt like giving them cameos, can you believe it gets worse from here!

Seriously the movie made this look lame! That's skill!!

Meanwhile, Sonya has arrived at a remote research facility where she apparently knows Jax is being held. She breaks in to find Jax on an operating table in metal restraints with the trademark metal arms, hey alright this movie got something right about a character. FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! Son of a bitch! Apparently in this movie the metal arms of Jax are simply cybernetic enhancements to his original arms. BULLSHIT! The only reason Jax has those in the game is because he had his original arms ripped off, did they even play this game or just stare at the cover art of MK3 for six hours! I also have to ask why has Jax been restrained? Do the arms have some homicide mode and the people installing them might have accidentally activated it? Anyway, Jax frees himself (proving that those restraints were useless in the first place) and they are attacked by Cyrax, a cyborg ninja made from the strongest and most durable material mined in all of Outworld..... Plastic!! Honestly the costume is terrible, Smoke’s was bad but at least he was a dark colour so you couldn’t tell but Cyrax is bright yellow and it looks rubbish. Anyway, Jax beats up Cyrax while Sonya fights some Power Ranger villain rejects. Cyrax actually has the net attack, it’s wrong but oh well at least it’s there, and then Sonya throws Cyrax into a wall, picks up some sand and then blows it on Cyrax and holy shit SONYA JUST DID A FATALITY!! I can’t believe it, I have been waiting over three hours of combined footage in the two Mortal Kombat movies and finally I have seen a fatality! Yes, this movie is still a complete car wreck but thank god, finally the point of MK has been realised and a fatality has been performed, sorry I’ll need to take a minute.

I really do wonder how Uwe Boll did not direct this movie!

Alright, I’m over it now, but hey this movie might be improving. Maybe all the shit we’ve had to put up with until now was required to give us a kick ass second half, I’m praying so. Anyway, Liu Kang is now wandering around a desert, for some reason, when all of a sudden he is attacked by the camera, not quite as harshly as the camera attack in Quarantine but pretty full-on. Actually this is supposed to symbolise Nightwolf attacking Kang in his animality. Really? Your taking the animality route? You do know that animalities were a tack on at the end of MK3’s development because there was a rumour that it might happen. There not crucial to the overall MK story. Ok, I’ll roll with it for now, after all how can you fuck up something as simple as an animality. But before all that I need to say something about Nightwolf, played worryingly enough by a guy named Litefoot (who would use an alias anyway), Nightwolf is suppose to be a Native American mystic who’s deeply entrenched in the ways of his people. The movies version however is more like a juvenile felon who’s just held up a 7-11, throwing out “disses” that wouldn’t be out of place on an episode of Yo Mama. How do you misread a character like that, oh well he’s only in the movie for one scene so I shouldn’t complain. Nightwolf tells Kang that he needs to find his animality to defeat Khan and that there is a short way and a long way. Kang says he doesn’t have time for the long way so Nightwolf cranks him in the head with a tomahawk. WHAT! I know I had to rewind to make sure I hadn’t just seen things, yeah Nightwolf hurls a tomahawk at Kang and it just dazes him. Don’t know why Custer had such a problem if a tomahawk only knocks you over!! I’m starting to wonder if you can lose IQ by watching movies like this.


Moving on, after pulling of the Hulk Liu Kang wakes up to find it snowing, for some reason, and a scantily clad Asian woman ready to comfort him, alright this movie has finally decided to add it’s on contribution to the series with an original character, this should be good. The Asian women tries to seduce Kang but he refuses, saying he’s in love with Kitana, gay! The woman doesn’t take it well and transforms into her fighting costume and tells him that she is FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! JADE! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, Jade are you serious!! An Asian is Jade? While I have nothing against this actress per say, although she does chew the scenery in every scene she is in, Jade is African, not Asian. This is the same as doing a Lord Of The Rings movies with Gimli as an elf! How on Earth do you fuck something like that up, seriously there were no black actresses who you could have put in this role!! I can’t get over this, everyone else is cast true to the game, but for this role they thought about changing it. Right I have to end talking about this now before I find my animality!! Turquoise (because she is not Jade) fights Kang but then tells him this was one of Nightwolf’s tests to reach Kang’s animality but that they need to go and rescue Kitana.

MK Jade

Annihilation Turquiose

We head back to Sonya and Jax who are heading off to rendezvous with Raiden, Jax is bitching about something, probably about being in this movie and Sonya gets moody and says no one could save Johnny, that’s because NO ONE TRIED TO SAVE HIM! Sonya walks into a mud pit and immediately gets attacked by a woman in red armed with Sais. Sonya mistakes her for Kitana and then they fight. I will take the liberty to tell you this is Mileena, because the movie doesn’t want to, and she is a clone of Kitana. Well if you have a fucking clone of someone the group is after why would you not have her infiltrate the group instead of just trying to kill them!! She’s there simply so the director can say that all MK characters are in this movie, if you’re going to use them at least use them properly!! Anyway, Sonya defeats Mileena and then gets attacked by a pile of CG vomit. Seriously I have no idea what the fuck this thing is suppose to be but apparently it has weak calf muscles because Jax punches it over and over again in the leg and sends it falling into a hole in the ground. YOU CAN’T JUST ADD SHIT WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT. THERE NEEDS TO BE PURPOSE ARGGHHHH!!! Sorry I need another minute.

Seriously someone tell me what the fuck this thing is?!?

Alright, after that they all meet up at the temple of the elder gods where Raiden has found out nothing new from the elder gods and for the experience traded his immortality, what a rip off. However it would seem that when he traded his immortality Raiden also developed a case of multiple personality disorder because we constantly switches from god to homeboy. This is typified when he asks Jax “what’s the deal with your arms”. This is the god of thunder and lightning and he is asking “what’s the deal with your arms” for god sake man have some dignity. They escape through a portal to Outworld after being cornered by Shao Khan. Khan says that they have fallen right into this trap and that everything is under control, glad something is!


When landing in Outworld Liu Kang goes off to rescue Kitana from Shao Khan while the others go off to find Sindel. The lengthy search of Sindel ends in approximately two minutes as Sindel screams at the party and summons ninjas to attack. FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! The ninjas in question are actually Zaterreans (basically the race that Reptile was) which is crap because they are actually an extinct race with only two survivors. Reptile (who according the first movie is dead) and Chameleon and therefore there cannot be three more. It’s basically directorial dick-waiving, saying “I have more Reptiles then you”. Grow up you idiot! Anyway, after Raiden is done dodging them, as he doesn’t really fight them, we find that Turquoise beat Sindel off screen, gee isn’t that convenient, that’s not suspect at all. I would never expect someone to be a spy, sigh!


Liu Kang is doing his best tomb raider impression as he basically walks straight into Shao Khan’s fortress without any resistance, again how convenient, and into the room where Kitana is being held. Before he can release her though he is attacked by...... Baraka?!? Seriously, I said the Cyrax costume was bad but this is just laughable, Baraka basically looks like a rabid muppet. It’s not easy being RRRAAAARRGGHH! It’s a piss poor fight, and a small part of me dies every time I see this as Baraka is one of my favourite characters so when Liu Kang actually finishes him I’m relieved that the indignity has stopped. Kang releases Kitana but just as they are about to embrace in comes Sheeva – The Cockblocker. This should be an epic fight, with the hype around the Goro fight a mono-a-womano fight with a female Goro should be, she’s dead. Yep, while I was writing that Kang threw a sword at a chain and dropped the cage Kitana was being held onto Sheeva. Are you fucking serious!! You put so much work into this effect and then you kill her off that quickly! It’s as if they finished the script and thought “Ace, it’s done we’re on a winner here, Oh shit Sheeva is still alive. We can’t have a villain left alive, oh screwed it just have her get crushed Wile E Coyote style”. That is just dreadful script writing, if you haven’t got room for a character then don’t include them, it’s that simple!!

Poor poor Baraka, look what they did to him!

Liu Kang and Kitana rejoin the others and they attempt to reunite Kitana and Sindel to close Khan’s portals, but surprise surprise it doesn’t work and we find out Turquoise has led them into a trap. Sindel teleports away while Turquoise sneaks out leaving the party to be caught in Khan’s trap of nothing. For real, nothing happens, oh Shao Khan does you evil know no bounds. That was really worth the hour it took to build up wasn’t it! Anyway, through a very long winded explanation we find out that Raiden and Shao Khan are brothers, I’m not even going to dignify that with a fanboy statement, and that Raiden’s dad is the one pulling the strings to keep the portals open. So in case you missed it the entire first hour of this movie was a complete waste of time. Alright I’m just going to jump to the final fight because if the movie doesn’t care about itself, why should I?


Liu Kang, Sonya, Kitana and Jax head to the site of the final fight to take on Khan, Sindel, Motaro (the centaur) and Ermac (the orange ninja, the movie never tells you his name by the way). Raiden tries to reason with Khan but immediately gets owned and dies by another Hado-Ken, that’s right this movie actually has a street fighter fatality!! It’s all spiralling out of control now! After Sonya, Jax and Kitana win their individual fights we turn our attention to Kang Vs. Khan. Again it’s like every other fight until Liu Kang discovers his animality and turns into FANBOY ALERT! FANBOY ALERT! Are you surprised anymore. Yes Liu Kang turns into a Dragon but it’s not the MK dragon, instead it’s some mix between Puff the Magic Dragon and the dragon from Eragon. The MK dragon is all over the game! How do you miss that! Even more embarrassing Shao Khan turns into a Hydra. SHOA KHAN DOES NOT HAVE AN ANIMALITY!! And despite Nightwolf and Raiden saying that this was the key to beating Khan all that happens is an incredibly poor CG fight that results in Khan and Kang falling to a lower level and continuing to fight, with Khan still kicking Liu Kang’s ass. Then what was the fucking point, nothing happened. If Liu Kang defeated Khan while in his animality then it would have been right but they still end up fighting normally anyway! I really hope I’m getting across just how stupid this is, because seriously there is so much time wasting in this movie it should technically only be ten minutes long. Anyway, the other elder gods cotton on to what was going on, bit slow for all-knowing beings, and make Khan and Kang fight properly in which Khan is defeated by being kicked in the head, seriously he gets kicked in the head and dies. I’ll also take this opportunity to say, if they set up this fight why did Khan not bring his hordes of soldiers to simply kill his enemies, after all he’s already broken the rules why not just kill by the cheapest way possible. Anyway the movie ends with Sindel and Kitana being reunited and Raiden being resurrected as an elder god and everyone is happy.... except the viewer.

The test audience were not impressed with the movie

Mercifully the movie is over and what a serious pile of pig shit it is. By all the fanboy alerts I put in this review, and trust me there are more than that but for the sake of brevity I only included the obvious ones it angers fans of MK and it also leaves so much unanswered that the casual viewer is left scratching their head. For example, what happened to Scorpion? What happened to Sub-Zero? What happened to Nightwolf? What happened to that stupid piece of CG fluff that attacked Sonya (oh and it kills Turquoise by the way, the only positive to take out of its performance). In my next blog I will do my best to try and fix this blight on the cinematic landscape, both for MK fans and for people who just want to watch a good fight movie. God help me!