Video games have always been a treasure trove of new and innovative ways in which to brutally destroy an opponent. Whether it be bullets, plasma, blades the creepy people in charge of arsenal development within the gaming community are always trying to outdo themselves in the art of maiming. To celebrate these unsung warmongers I am going to count down my favourite video game guns of all time. When going through the lists of weapons I had I only set two criteria for this. Since this is a countdown of top 15 GUNS I set that the weapon would need a trigger and require some discernable form of ammunition. That’s enough with the introductions; let’s move on to the cavalcade of slaughter.
Number 15 – Shrink Gun (Duke Nukem 3D)
“I’m going to crush you like a bug” is an often touted catch phrase when setting into battle against an adversary, but what if you could actually mean it. Well with the Shrink Gun from Duke Nukem 3D you can. Yes from the pig shooting, stripper loving badass who has been in hibernation for what seems like an eternity we get this gem of a gun. The reason why I love this gun is because while the Shrink Gun itself is not lethal running up to enemies and squashing them under your boot is very much so. The added beauty is that being a Duke Nukem game you always knew Duke had some smartass thing to say when squashing enemies. Of course the gun isn’t without its flaws and there are quite a few when it comes to the Shrink Gun. Firstly the fact you can’t use the weapon on bosses is a major detractor, not that the bosses were particularly difficult in Duke Nukem but when you find a gun you like you want to know it can still pack a punch against the big boys but sadly the Shrink Gun is completely ineffective (otherwise the game would be far too easy). Another issue is the fact that the Shrink Gun is almost completely useless when fighting multiple enemies. Because you have to walk over to the enemy to finish him off if there any remaining enemies within range they will blast you into the middle of next week before you even get a chance to kill the one you just shrunk. This may lead you to believe the gun is complete garbage but trust me you never get over the satisfaction of squashing those minigun toting salamander bastards in the space segment of the game, good family fun.
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| Time for some shrinkage |
Number 14 – The Golden Gun (Goldeneye 007)
Coming out of possibly the greatest game to be on the Nintendo 64 is The Golden Gun from Goldeneye 007. For those of you that have never played Goldeneye the Golden Gun is basically the best magnum to be found in any game. It is one hit kill…. ALL OF THE TIME! You can shoot some poor asshole in the thumb with this and it will have them down for the count in mere seconds. This gun appeared mostly in the multiplayer mode of Goldeneye and as such it was primarily used to piss off your friends when playing against them. This unfortunately did lead to one of the biggest issues with this gun, SPAMMERS. I cannot count the amount of times I have been kicking my friend’s ass only to have them find the Golden Gun and have them camp and raise their frag count. While on the subject this is a message to all you spammers and campers out there, grow some fucking balls and come out and fight with the rest of us! Victory is earned through valiant combat not being a little pussy that hides away from battle!!! Phew, alright glad to get that out, I’m back off my soapbox now. Another slight issue I have with the gun is that it’s not particularly inspired. It’s just the regular handgun painted gold. However, as with the Shrink Gun, these minor issues can be forgiven for a gun that is lethal 100% of the time, at the very least it saves on ammo.
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| Friend of warrior and spammer alike |
Number 13 – Rocket Launcher (Time Splitters 3)
When putting this list together I wanted to get as much variety as possible, rather than every weapon being a giant fuck off weapon. Thinking like that I knew I wanted a rocket launcher in this list, but which one. Normally I’m not big on rocket launchers in games, they are normally big and bulky with horrible fire rates and a good chance you might accidentally blow yourself up. This however is not the case with the Rocket Launcher from Time Splitters 3. The fire rate is fantastic due to the fact that, since Time Splitters is not based entirely in reality, they could mess around with the design of this rocket launcher. Instead of having to load individual rockets into this launcher like conventional RPG’s the one in Time Splitters has a clip of rockets that can be fired at a decent rate and then be reloaded. This weapon’s party piece however comes in the shape of its alternate fire which lets you unload the entire clip of six rockets in the space of about two seconds. This makes for great room clearing capacity if you don’t feel like putting much finesse into it, and also it is great fun. As with the other two guns this one does have its flaws and in this case it comes in the form of its damage. With most rocket launchers they are a one hit kill affair, even if you catch someone in the blast it will still come close to killing them. The rocket launcher in Time Splitters 3 has to be a direct hit and even then there are no guarantees that it will be lethal. However for the ease of use, excellent fire rate and mad alternate fire this would be the rocket launcher I would gladly take into any battle.
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| Clips in the back, rocket propelled death at the front |
Number 12 – Super Sheep Launcher (Worms)
Ahhh Worms, what a marvelous game. The simple concept of little worms blasting the living shit out of each other with a litany of bizarre weapons is just awesome. From the ever useless prod to highly destructive Banana Bombs there were some classic weapons to come from this game. The Super Sheep Launcher would have to be the most unique gun to make it onto this list but it is hard to top this with any other weapon from Worms. For the benefit of those who have not played Worms, and if you haven’t download it now, the Super Sheep Launcher was a weapon where you actually fired a sheep with a cape on (how else would you know it was super) who flies heroically into the air only to scream straight into your enemy and explode. Not only was the explosion highly effective in either blowing your enemy up or blowing them off the screen but it was very easy to aim as well, which couldn’t be said for some of the other guns in Worms. If that wasn’t cool enough the sheep also has its own Superman type theme music as it sailed into the air. This was to let whoever you were playing know they were in for a world of hurt. If I had a criticism of this gun it is that the only way you really got it was to include it in a multiplayer map so you never had the sense of satisfaction of finding it as you knew it was going to appear on a map (or you could even start with it). Before I move on I do want to address an issue people might have with this entry. Yes I know full well that in Worms it is only called the Super Sheep and has no reference to being a gun but I figure that there is ammo for it, in the form of Super Sheep, and you press a button to fire it there by having a trigger. I know there is a lot of assumption in that but I am happy to make it to include a gun that is great fun and just silly enough.
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| You get the idea. |
Number 11 – Fat Man (Fallout 3)
The world has been ravaged by nuclear war, radiation contaminates water supplies and shelters and hideously mutated atrocities roam a barren wasteland. What better reason is there to add a couple of points to the ol’ Geiger counter by pumping off a few mini-nukes of your own. One of the more celebrated weapons in the revamp of Fallout (the Alien Blaster probably more so) the Fat Man really did let you even the score against pretty much all the inhabitants of the DC wasteland. While not looking particularly impressive, it looks like to girders bolted onto a bit of aluminum the mushroom cloud that rises from the detonation of the mini-nukes that the Fat Man fires are incredibly impressive. While most games simply settle for their big fuck off gun to give off a massive explosion the sight of that mushroom cloud does make the Fat Man stand out. My problem with this gun comes out of the rarity of its ammunition. While it is not uncommon to scatter ammo for the big gun in any game so you can’t just simply cruise through it Fallout 3 took this to the extreme. I’m not sure of the final count but I think it’s something like 30 mini-nukes can be found throughout the ENTIRE game. The ammo is also well hidden so sometimes you won’t have a stockpile of mini-nukes anywhere near this. As such it makes you very hesitant to use it because your gamer instinct is telling you something bigger and badder is just around the corner. Still when you do let loose with the Fat Man it makes you thank god you found the mini-nukes you did.
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| Not much to look at but will mess you up. |
Number 10 – Pulse Rifle (Alien Vs. Predator 2009)
For this one to make sense you all must know one thing, I fucking love the movie Aliens. It is one of my favourite Sci-Fi movies of all time so as such you can imagine how much joy I have being behind the sights of the Pulse Rifle. It’s not as if the gun itself is anything special, the Pulse Rifle is simply a short burst machine gun with a grenade launcher attached to it, but it is all the little things that make it special to me. The fact that it is not completely automatic and you need to time the bursts to kill enemies, the rate of fire of the grenades that come out of it and the biggest of all the sound the Pulse Rifle makes when you fire it. It is a very distinct noise and if you don’t believe me go and watch the movie, which you should do anyway if you haven’t seen it and you’ll know what I am talking about. Being a fan of Aliens has led me to play a lot of quite average Alien inspired games. There are some that are halfway decent and others that are completely useless and while all of them have the Pulse Rifle I believe that Alien Vs. Predator from 2009 is the one that most accurately portrays how it would feel to properly have this gun at your disposal. Again this list is highly personal to me but just imagine your all time favourite movie inspired gun and then being able to digitally use it yourself and you will have an idea of why the Pulse Rifle made it on my list.
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| Like to keep this handy for not so close encounters |
Number 9 – Gravity Gun (Half Life)
Before I even start I know I am breaking one of my rules with this inclusion, seeing how the Gravity Gun does not take any discernable form of ammo but I did have to include this because it is one of the most creative weapons out there. Many games have adapted to include some form of the Gravity Gun but the gun from Half Life is still the original and the best. Basically instead of using bullets the Gravity Gun picks up objects and hurls them at enemies therefore you a really only limited to how resourceful you can be to dispatch enemies. It does lead to great moments where you go into a new area and see something particularly nasty and think “I want to send that hurtling towards some poor bastard”. My only major issue is that the game will sometimes not allow you to use it by not leaving anything in the area to use as ammunition but in reality this just makes you have a keener eye for when there is something to use. Something from such a simple concept really proves to be fantastic fun.
Number 8 – Ripper (Dead Space)
Throughout gaming history there have been very few weapons that are as vicious and gruesome then the Ripper from Dead Space (perhaps the Cerebral Bore). Actually before I continue I would like to address the reason why the Cerebral Bore is not on my list, when it is on pretty much everyone else’s. It is quite simple, I have never played Turok 2 and as such I can’t say whether I would like it or not. From the looks of it they basically took the balls from Phantasm and put them in a gun, which is an awesome concept, but if I haven’t used it I’m not going to say I like it because I don’t know if I would. Right ok now that it out of the way back to the Ripper. For those of you that haven’t played Dead Space the Ripper is a machine that fires a circular saw blade about five meters in front of you and allows you to swing it wildly at enemies. Why this is relevant is because the whole point of Dead Space is to sever the limbs of the Necromorphs to defeat them, which you could imagine the Ripper does quite effectively. Funnily enough the Ripper is not the most effective gun in the game, for me that goes to the Line Gun, but it certainly is the most satisfying. When you are getting swarmed by those Necromorph bastards it is a great form of stress relief to fire a ripper blade and watch your foes fall like wheat to the scythe and then just have the ripper blade remain spinning amongst the corpses….. just to make sure nothing is left moving. I will say I am specifically talking about the Ripper from the original Dead Space. The Ripper from Dead Space 2 (or any sequels should they come) was a little too big and the blades that came with it looked like they were surplus from Acme after Wile E. Coyote had bought his share. The Ripper from the first game is a little more subtle and just as effective.
Number 7 – Hammer of Dawn (Gears of War)
Satisfaction over efficiency, the simple motto that I use to describe the Hammer of Dawn. If you are one of those people who just wants an everyday use gun with a good fire rate and plentiful ammo then you will hate the Hammer of Dawn whereas if you are like me and enjoy watching your foes be destroyed in spectacular ways than this is the gun for you. Again I am breaking my rules, I really wish I hadn’t mentioned my selection criteria, as the Hammer of Dawn does not take ammo instead it locks onto a satellite to send a concentrated beam of sunlight right through your opponent. The first time I ever nailed a Berserker with it I always got the impression that I had summoned God to crush my enemies as the beam of light is quite magnificent. There are a lot of reasons to hate this gun. For one it can only be used outdoors, and coming from a satellite communications background like I do I really appreciate the realism in that. Secondly there are only certain enemies for which the Hammer of Dawn is effective so you simply can’t carry this around and roast anything you want to. While I understand how this might annoy some people for me it just makes you appreciate the parts when you get to use it more. The Hammer of Dawn isn’t simply a big fuck off gun; it is an entire stage production of fuck offness.
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| Thankfully not nearly as stupid as the sun beam in die another day |
Number 6 – Spread Shot (Contra)
There is no gun in this list that is more crucial to success in a game then the Spread Shot from Contra. While there are a few that make life easier, and the rest are purely for show, the Spread Shot is absolutely vital to progress in Contra. Coming from the 8-bit era the gun is quite simple in that it is simply a power up that allows you to fire in multiple directions to take out enemies who may be coming from below or above you. Given the level of design of Contra with multiple tiers of land from which enemies can attack you the freedom to be able to hit them without having to move and risk being shot it a godsend. It is this dependence though that can work against the Spread Shot. Because you do really need it and when it is not readily available you (or at least I did) find yourself screaming at the game to give it to you. While the good guns should be valuable to make them overly so can sometimes make you hate them a little. However if you are skilled at all, which clearly I’m not, then this should not be an issue. While not the most impressive gun on this list it is the most important.
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| One of the most glorious sights in gaming. |
Number 5 – Chicago Typewriter (Resident Evil 4)
One of the coolest guns in this list the Chicago Typewriter from Resident Evil 4 is your reward for beating the side missions involving Ada Wong as well beating the original game. As you might have figured out the Chicago Typewriter is simply a Tommy Gun but in Resident Evil 4 it is beefed up to the max. It basically has shotgun power at machine gun speed meaning anything in your way, and I do mean anything, is going to be completely annihilated. The reason why is it cool is because when unlocked it also comes with a Dillinger-esk costume for Leon to wear so he looks completely gangster. Oh and did I mention it has infinite ammo. With this gun pretty much anyone can beat this game, and therein lies the issue. The Chicago Typewriter makes the game too easy that it can detract somewhat from the experience. This however is not an issue for me because I think Resident Evil 4 is a fantastic game that I don’t mind powering my way through it, occasionally giving off the cool little hat adjustment pose Leon does when you “reload” the Chicago Typewriter. The one thing I will add is that this gun is not the hardest to unlock in Resident Evil 4, that honor goes to the Hand Cannon, but ironically the Hand Cannon isn’t nearly as good as the Chicago Typewriter…. I’ll leave you to figure that one out.
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| Dammit someone apparently beat me to a caption. |
Number 4 – Ebony & Ivory (Devil May Cry)
I am going to lay down a challenge to anyone reading this. I want you to name me a better sidearm, that you start the game with, then Ebony & Ivory from Devil May Cry. There may be some out there but I haven’t managed to find them yet. Ebony & Ivory are the only guns I can think of that you start the game with and you never find a gun through the game that is better than them. They are not the most powerful weapons but they make up for it in versatility and effectiveness. For those who don’t know Ebony & Ivory are the two handguns Dante starts with in the Devil May Cry series and again, like the Chicago Typewriter, they have infinite ammunition. As I said they are not strong enough to take enemies by themselves, unless you fancy sitting there forever taking an enemy down, but rather they are used to help string combos together against different enemies by providing long range support before you can wail on them with one of Dante’s many swords. They are made even better when Dante is put into gunslinger mode as he can then multi-directionally fire as well as pull off some unique moves with them in the air. That challenge at the beginning was not just false moxie on how good I think Ebony & Ivory are I really want someone to let me know because I can’t find better starting pistols in any game I have played.
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| Together in disharmony |
Number 3 – Flak Cannon (Unreal)
Ok, cards on the table, when playing shooters my accuracy leaves a lot to be desired. I would never be picked to be a sniper but rather prefer to be a heavy trooper and get up close and personal with a target. Playing in this style means you will be introduced to a lot of shotgun type weapons, those which can obliterate anything that even gets remotely close to you and I am still yet to find a weapon that does this more effectively then the Flak Cannon from Unreal. As its name suggests it fires multiple pieces of shrapnel at your enemy at high velocity causing them to be ripped to shreds. I am deadly serious when saying if you fire this at anyone who is within ten meters of you they do not have a hope in hell of surviving. It has a pretty decent fire rate as well and given the right map ammo can be plentiful for the Flak Cannon. I do have very fond memories of playing Unreal Tournament in computing studies at school, because what else were you going to do, and while everyone was off trying to hunt down a Redeemer or a Sniper Rifle I would find my beloved Flak Cannon and simply hunt down fuckers who were trying to find a place to camp. Good times good times. But enough nostalgia I do truly believe this is the best close combat anti personnel weapon in any game and given my complete lack of ability to headshot from a distance that earns big marks from me.
Number 2 – BFG 9000 (Doom)
What is there to say about the BFG that hasn’t already been said? This is the Big Fucking Gun that led the way for every other big fucking gun. Everything from the complete annihilation it leaves on the screen to the giant smirk the Doom avatar gives when he finds the BFG makes it awesome. I really don’t think I need to explain in great detail why the BFG is awesome as we all know why. It’s the BFG…… Enough Said!!!!
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| Eat Death!!! |
Number 1 – Precision Rifle (Red Faction)
The Precision Rifle from Red Faction has to be the most complete gun I have ever used in a game. It has the range to be a sniper rifle, the power to be a shotgun and the firing rate to be close to a machine gun. The Precision Rifle is found late in the Red Faction single player game carried by almost every enemy meaning ammunition is plentiful. It is basically a small sniper rifle that has an upped fire rate and the ability to be fired while not using the scope. It is so powerful and fast that it will mince an entire squad of enemies in seconds and then the ammo can simply be recollected from those you have just dispatched. I am quite serious when I say I have not found a gun that can cater to every type of shooter gaming style quite like the Precision Rifle, hell you can even switch from being a sniper to a heavy trooper mid game if you want to switch it up a bit and you will be just as effective. The only negative thing I have to say about it is that the gun was never continued beyond the original game. I purchased Red Faction: Guerilla praying they would have brought it back but unfortunately it was not the case. Still I have my copy of Red Faction and my PS2 when I feel like getting behind the trigger of my favourite video game gun.
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| My Number 1 |
So ends my first list, hopefully I haven’t pissed too many people off by leaving anything out but again I will reiterate this is simply my opinion so please don’t think I am trying to speak for you. Next time I take a rite of passage that all online reviewers must take during their lives. I am going to review……… an Uwe Boll movie!!
