The Token Uwe Boll Shot: House of the Dead Review

This is a very exciting time for me. At one point or another in every online reviewer’s life they have to review an Uwe Boll movie and for me now is that time. Most people should know who Uwe Boll is but for the benefit of those that don’t I will explain. Uwe Boll is a German film maker who specializes in making really shitty movies; I mean the guy is a genius at how bad these movies are. What makes it worse for nerdy reviewers, such as myself, is that he seems to have found his niche in making video game to movie adaptations. This obviously results in him shitting all over some of the most treasured games from mine and many others childhoods. He has made himself a target to the gamer community and as such we all need to take this rite of passage to move on with our reviews. After I knew I was ready for this I then had to decide on which movie I would review because as I mentioned in terms of finding a bad movie to review with Uwe Boll you are like a kid in a candy store. I have settled on House of the Dead for a number of reasons. Firstly this was the first Boll movie I ever saw so it is the one most prevalent in my mind. Secondly, and more importantly, I loved House of the Dead at the arcade. Growing up in Australian gaming culture, I’m not sure if this is applicable around the world, but House of the Dead was the one machine in the arcade that had a curtain around it because it was that intense. Now being an eight to ten year old boy that is simply an invitation to play and once you grabbed that light gun and were blowing limbs and zombie heads off it was awesome! A friend and I actually spent an afternoon finishing the game at the arcade so as you can imagine I have a lot of fond memories of that game so to watch Boll systematically rip it apart is a truly special experience for me. So enough with the wide eyed nostalgia and let me take you through the horror, and I don’t mean that cinematically, of House of the Dead.

Apparently is now working on a Tetris movie that will have a love triangle

As if the movie is preparing you for how bad it is the first shots we get are of the most important scene in the game, this being when the woman you were originally tasked to save dies and tells you to go after the main villain Rudolph Curien. You think this might be a powerful way to start the movie making the viewer relive that moment that defined the game unfortunately Boll has ruined this by distorting the colour scheme to make it look like a bad LSD trip. He unfortunately continues this throughout the opening credits showing various screen images of the game in this technicolour nightmare. It is so unappealing that you actually want to avert your eyes from the screen.

Anyway now that is over we are introduced to our main characters by the softest narration I have ever heard. I’m serious I tried to turn the volume up but the narration is still drowned out by all the ambient noise. Since I can’t be fucked to put the subtitles on, mostly because I shouldn’t have to, I’m not going to bother and learn these characters real names and instead give them names of my own, based off their obvious character traits. Therefore ladies and gentlemen let me introduce you to the main characters of House of the Dead; Broody, Vanity, Ditzy, Minority and Douche. Apparently they are heading to the rave of the century on an island. We are then taken to this rave where people a mindlessly swaying about, women are flashing their breasts (because mindless nudity can always help distract men from a shitty movie) and the one thing that proves that this has to be the most awesome rave ever, a giant SEGA sign over the stage. C’mon there is blatant product promotion and then there is this. I assure you the only other time that banner has been unfurled was for a “how else can we fuck up Sonic the Hedgehog” convention.

Back with the Scooby gang and they have realized that they have missed the boat to get to the island and ask a cliché boat hand if they can use his boat. How cliché I hear you ask, he has a hook for a hand, that cliché! Anyway we find out that he is the first mate to Captain Kirk (yes that is the character’s name and Boll must think this is really funny because he keeps referencing it). The actor who plays Kirk looks staggeringly similar Liam Neeson, so much so that they could be brothers. In keeping with naming my own characters I think I will name you after another brother of a famous actor who is doomed to live in the shadows so I present to you Donnie Neeson. Congratulations to all those who got the reference. Vanity tries to convince Donnie Neeson to use their ship to go to the island with $600. Donnie Neeson informs them that the island is known as Death Island and there isn’t enough money in the world to get him to go to that island. Vanity bumps up his offer to $1,000 and Donnie lifts anchor. I think someone needs to learn the art of haggling. As they are setting off the Coast Guard appear on the dock and ask to search Donnie’s boat. Donnie Neeson, being a fearless outlaw, guns the motor and VERY slowly gets away. The Coast Guard woman could swim faster than the boat moves but she decides to let him go, you know because chasing people is such a pain in the ass.

Cut back to the island and we find that two teens have slipped away from the rave to go for a skinny dip. Hmmm, that sounds familiar, two promiscuous teens in an outdoor setting partaking in a rude act. Seriously we just need a nutjob in a hockey mask to really make it seem like a rip off. Anyway the “man” of the two can’t go into the water because it’s too cold! C’mon mate, the shrinkage issue was explained to women thanks to Seinfeld so you have nothing to worry about. So anyway captain flaccid decides to sit on the beach and watch his hot half naked girlfriend from a distance. She suddenly becomes a little freaked out by really nothing as we are treated to an underwater shot of her while ominous music plays in the backgrou.. are you kidding me!! Ok the Friday the 13th similarity might have been a bit of a stretch but this is completely ripping off Jaws in every conceivable detail….. well minus the shark. Anyway the girl in the water is becoming increasingly concerned over the nothing that is happening while the guy has passed out on the beach for some reason. Wouldn’t surprise me if one beer is enough to put this guy out. The girl comes out of the water to realize that the guy has gone. She searches around and finds an old house, steps in and finds her boyfriend just before zombies rip him apart and finish her off. I like to think the zombies all sat around and were thinking “oh dude wait till she comes in and do it when she’s watching. She’ll wig out and it’ll be fucken funny”. After this happens we are shown one of the things that this movie is famous for. Uwe Boll in his infinite wisdom decided to use small cuts of the game House of the Dead as transitions. The first time this happens you wonder what the fuck just happened. These are so needless, amateurish and stupid that they defy logic. Perhaps this will be the only time; maybe he wanted to trial it out and then move on. You can only pray so.

Images like this lead to seamless transitions

The gang has now arrived at the nerd rave and find it completely trashed. Banners have been torn down, tents are shredded and debris is all over the ground but thank fuck the kegs are still connected. Only Broody seems to think something is wrong. I’m sorry but I don’t care how much of a party animal you are anyone would notice something was wrong but apparently they think it is a reason to celebrate. Broody being the only one with a modicum of common sense, for the moment anyway, decides to head off and find out where everyone else went and since Ditzy and Douche are practically doing it on the stage Minority and Vanity decide to join her. To transition out of this scene Boll seems to have opted for the classic Star Wars wipe. Good to see that common sense has prevailed.

Special needs hook is carrying a box of something into the jungle for Donnie Neeson while figures run around him. In light of this I want to address a very contentious issue within the zombie fans community and that is the idea of running zombies. Zack Snyder is the man we have to thank for this when his re-make of Dawn of the Dead introduced us to not just zombies that could run but could flat out sprint. This was met with a lot of controversy and while I can understand why purists might react badly to this I don’t have that much of a problem with it. My reason being that in Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead and to a lesser extent this movie, the zombies seemed to be newly reanimated and are mostly intact. These aren’t decaying corpses who have skin falling off everywhere. For the most part their muscles are still intact and zombies have basic reasoning and primal natures so why couldn’t a zombie in this condition run? And for all those people who are already starting to talk about rigor mortis and other death related ailments may a remind you the whole premise of zombies is not exactly based in the world of science and reasoning and certain leniencies need to be given. While I respect the purist way of thinking I hope I have opened your eyes to the possibility that running zombies are acceptable. Oh and while I was talking about that Hook died, but who cares the running zombie issue was far more important.

Back with Douche and Ditzy and they have decided to move their lust into a nearby tent so as not to offend the no one around. Douche announces he needs to take a leak, there is a joke there but I am above that, so Ditzy waits in the tent. Rustling can be heard from behind the tent and Ditzy is becoming increasingly concerned. She calls out to Douche to cut it out when all of a sudden Jason jumps in and oh wait, sorry thought I was watching Friday the 13th there. I mean the movies are so similar it’s sometimes hard to tell. Anyway zombies come and rush the tent and Ditzy is dead.

Jason plans to send a message to Uwe Boll, personally.

The other three have stumbled across the same house that appeared earlier with the skinny dippers. Am I to assume this is the house from house of the dead because if so then the movie should have been called shack of the dead. Anyway they decide to go in to investigate, Broody opens the door and is about to walk in when Vanity spots a guy hiding behind the door with an axe and tackles him. I would like to point out that Vanity was behind Broody and had no way of seeing behind the door so I guess we just have to settle on the fact that Vanity has X-Ray vision, or Boll is a complete tool. I think I’ll take the latter. After the near homicidal accident we are greeted to three survivors of the rave who have been hiding in the house. These are Asian, Comic Relief and Obvious Hero. Apparently Broody and Obvious Hero know each other; how? why? Who cares Boll has more breasts to show us to take our minds off those trivial facts. Comic Relief breaks out his handheld camera to show what happened at the rave. Obvious Hero says that these were zombies, how do they know this, because Comic Relief has seen Night, Dawn and Day of the Dead. That’s right the greatest zombie movie of all time is mentioned in this piece of crap. I think I threw up in my mouth slightly first time I heard that. Let’s just move on! Broody tells the others that they have a boat and can get off the island but they’ll need to go back to get Douche and Ditzy. They agree and head off and you know this is going to end well for the gang. Before leaving this scene Boll has gone back to the game shot transitions, I guess he thought the wipes were a bit too star wars. That’s cool I’m sure he has picked his favourite transition shot now.

Back with Donnie Neeson where he is enjoying a cigarette on his boat when we seen scenes of zombies swimming towards his boat. Ahh, another contentious issue, I guess you are wondering what my reaction is to swimming zombies. Well I think it is complete bullshit and should have been desperately rethought. Running zombies I can hack as that is more of a primal instinct whereas swimming is something that must be learnt and zombies do not have that sort of reasoning power. Land of the Dead showed this perfectly by the zombies, instead of swimming, walking across the bottom of the ocean. That is how you are supposed to do it; then again this is Uwe Boll so I’m not surprised if they weren’t capable of hi-jacking a boat. After this scene we transition with the Star Wars wipe again, for fuck’s sake Boll pick a transition and stick with it!!!!!

The gang arrive back at the site of the rave and Douche and Ditzy are nowhere to be found. Some commotion can be heard from an upturned porta-loo. They tip it back up to find Douche covered in shit, I’ll let you insert your own joke there, and saying that the loo just tipped over on him. At that moment zombified Ditzy leaps out and snaps Comic Relief’s neck. Weird, normally I thought that zombies FUCKEN ATE PEOPLE!!! They aren’t Rambo or anything of that nature they simply bite people. Anyway the Coast Guard woman, who I will simply name Monotone after her style of acting jumps out and blows Ditzy away. Right after blasting her into next week she turns to others and asks “what the fuck was that?” I see that you subscribe to the shoot first ask questions later philosophy, good one to live by not so much back chat. Douche is clearly bummed by the death of his love as he now can only speak in monotone as well. Good lord I never knew bad acting was contagious, I should warn the CDC. They all decide to seek out Donnie’s boat to get off the island.

The gang arrive at Donnie Neeson’s boat to find him fending off zombies trying to climb aboard. Vanity runs up the pier to help Donnie but then realizes this was a mistake as there are still zombies in the water. Vanity tries to swim back while Monotone takes pot shots at the zombies chasing him. I think it’s worth mentioning that for some unknown reason Boll decided to add underwater shots of the bullets missing the zombies. Not sure what this accomplishes but anyway let’s just roll with it, the movie will be over sooner that way. Again, for no reason that is apparent to me, Asian decides to wade into the water to try to save Vanity. She is completely unarmed and he is a fair way out but you still have to admire that enthusiasm. As you probably guessed a zombie sneaks up behind her and I wish I was joking here but the zombie tries to drown her. For the benefit of Boll, who obviously is a complete dickhead, there are only two golden rules surrounding zombies. Number 1 is that they can only die by being shot in the head and Number 2 is that they FUCKEN EAT PEOPLE!!! Even if you have never watched a zombie movie before you still know that is what zombies do so to have something like this is inexcusable, even for Uwe Boll which is saying something. Anyway someone saves Asian, I don’t care who because I’m still too angry over the whole drowning thing. Anyway Vanity starts taunting a supposedly dead zombie only for it to raise its head and spit acid at him. Oh yeah didn’t I mention these zombies are fucken Xenomorphs now. Hey Boll here’s a good idea, HAVE AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT!!! As you can imagine this is bad for Vanity and suddenly he regresses to being emo. Broody asks what is going on and Donnie Neeson informs them of an old fable about the island. That’s right kids it’s flash back time.

I can see the relationship between Alien and Zombie, oh wait no I can't!!!

The screen suddenly turns all grainy and rustic, I mean how else are suppose to tell this was in the past apart from the period style clothing, the galleon in the opening shot or the fact that Neeson explains this happened hundreds of years ago. We are introduced to our main villain, I wish I could tell you his name but when Donnie says it the words are drowned out by a door opening sound effect. I know he is Spanish so let’s call him that. Spanish is apparently being extradited from Spain because of some unholy experiments he was performing. He baits the officer in charge of him to come closer and then strangles him with his chains. He then apparently managed to kill the entire crew on his own and run the ship aground on the island and no one has seen anything since. After our little trip down memory lane Obvious Hero tries to think of a scientific explanation for the zombies but is immediately shot down by Broody who thinks that it is easier for everyone to accept that they are zombies and move on. I love the fact that this movie is so lacking in depth that they couldn’t even think of dialogue for an alternate explanation. This is normally a staple for zombie movies but Boll has much more stupid things to do. They decide to go back to the House for cover until help arrives so Monotone and Douche go off to find Monotone’s partner who was left on the boat while the others go off to find Donnie Neeson’s guns, oh yeah Donnie is a smuggler. Yeah the movie only decided to tell me now.

While Douche and Monotone are looking for Monotone’s partner they are attacked by zombies, surprise surprise. They split up and we are then treated to a bizarre close up of Douche’s face as he is running away followed by close ups of the zombie’s faces. I really do sometimes think that Boll is an eight year old child playing with the controls in the editing software. Douche decides to hide under a tree and perfectly reenact the hiding scene from the first Lord of the Rings movie, it is mirror perfect! However zombies are too smart for that and end up catching him. The next shot is a 360 pan of Douche which dissolves to red. I mean what could that be and HOLY SHIT that was a game over screen. What else could it be, Boll has included game over screens in this movie!!! I am seriously floored by how stupid this is. I mean this movie is not based on the game whatsoever and yet he is trying to give the movie a game feel. It just doesn’t fit.

At least doing it this way gets the message across quicker.

Now that I have recovered from that small pocket of insanity Monotone rejoins the others and tells them that Douche is dead and again they all seem a little bummed by it. After an arming up montage they reach the house and find it swarming with zombies. This begins the crescendo of shitness as this gun battle is so long, uninteresting and badly shot that it makes the rest of the movie seem like a masterpiece. Where do I begin with this scene? Well firstly the entire time this hideous rock/rap music is playing in the background to take away any drama that this scene could have had. Secondly, given the success of the game over screen Boll has decided that every character needs their own slow motion 360 pan shot. What makes these worse is not only are they not interesting or relevant in anyway but they are also incorrect. For both Broody and Minority’s pan arounds they are clearly holding different guns then what the establishing shot had them holding. What I mean by this is that in Broody’s one it opens on her aiming her shotgun and then in the next shot, which is the pan around she is holding a handgun. I have no idea how anyone fucks this up especially when you have obviously decided to make this a key point of the fight. The biggest problem however is simply how uninteresting this whole scene is. All it has anyone doing is blindly shooting at zombies (in the chest I might add so he has broken the other golden rule) and jumping around. Nothing really gets accomplished and I’m not joking about how long it is. The entire scene goes for around fifteen minutes! I know I am yabbering on about this scene a little but you simply have no idea how bad it is. There are even some weird moments in it to. Broody blows up a well for no discernable reason but the weirdest one comes when Asian dies. Asian is busy fly kicking all the zombies to death when she is suddenly rushed by zombies and screams out to Obvious Hero. This causes Obvious Hero to have a sudden flashback of scenes we have already seen in the movie that led up to this moment, including scenes of places he never was. After this Obvious Hero simply rejoins the others, well hold on what the fuck was the point of that flashback. He didn’t psyche up and save her or condemn himself for not being able to do anything. He just had it like a bad migraine and moved on. Boll you can’t simply add shit wherever you want, it has to have a purpose!!! Oh and by the way Asian gets her own game over screen, I guess Boll thought he was being ground breaking or some such shit. Another thing I should mention about this scene, yes it’s that bad, all through the fight Boll has inserted images of the game during the action. I assume this is to show us how faithfully he has re-imagined the game but when your movie isn’t based on the game in the first place it’s just completely pointless and I tell you after fifteen minutes of this I found myself hating the game I once loved. This my friends is the power of Boll.

Now that is over Obvious Hero and Monotone find a way into the house through a window, oh yeah the house was locked for some reason despite that fact when they left it would have been open! Zombies catch Monotone and hack off her legs with axes. It would seem these zombies do everything except eat people. Obvious Hero again is bummed someone is dead and goes to open the door. Donnie Neeson gets caught and a zombie starts gnawing on his leg. Hoofuckenray!! A zombie has finally tried to eat someone and it only took an hour. Donnie Neeson says that the kids should start worrying about themselves and leave him. Then comes my favourite line in the entire movie. Broody discovers a book on a shelf and says “hey this looks old, maybe it can help us”. I think that is so inspired in how uninspired it is. What kind of explanation is that? It would be like Indiana Jones raiding a temple and saying “that looks old, it could be valuable”. Surely it doesn’t take much brain power to quantify how useful something might be. All the book turns out to be is a journal from Spanish guys ship that ran aground so it doesn’t help that much but why not have the line be “hey I found a ship journal, perhaps it relates to the story Donnie Neeson just told us”. At least that is based on some logic! The group go to the back of the house and find an old science lab where Broody looks into a glass case to have a hideous zombie sperm attack the glass. Minority does the right thing and shoots at it despite the fact it was completely encased in glass and couldn’t possibly have harmed anyone!! This awakens some nearby corpses as they find out that it was the blood the sperm was encased in that revives them. Thank you Boll for that very weak explanation into the zombie phenomenon when before you clearly had no interest in doing so, bravo.

Donnie Neeson hears a familiar voice outside and walks over to the door, his legs miraculously healed, and finds that Hook has been zombified. Neeson does the honourable thing and lights a stick of dynamite and blows himself up to save the others, how noble. This backfires however and it simply leaves a giant hole for the zombies to pour into. The remaining gang find a secret door to the underground and all decide to go down. Vanity however is caught by a zombie in the weakest chokehold you have ever seen and instead of trying to wrestle free he decides to blow himself up with a barrel of gunpowder nearby to save the others. Wow just had a wicked case of déjà vu just then.

The remaining three are pretty bummed that Vanity is dead but oh well we must press on. They continue through the catacombs as Obvious Hero puts it, to make it seem more gamey I’m led to believe, when the group is set upon by moss zombies, I.E. zombies covered in moss. Now believe it or not these are actually enemies in the House of the Dead game and if you don’t believe me that’s fine because Boll has kindly overlaid the footage from the game of the moss zombies to prove this. It was annoying in the monotonous fight scene and it is still annoying. Minority decides to do the noble thing and sacrifice herself to save the others aww c’mon! You can’t do that three times in a row. I mean you seriously couldn’t think of another way to kill these characters off. This sort of death only works once and only for a character that the audience has developed an emotional bond to, anymore than that and we simply see it coming and don’t have emotional interest. Also I must ask why have none of the characters past Asian had game over screens, I mean if you are going to have a theme throughout the movie even given how shitty this one is at least stick to it. Douche arrives to kill off the remaining moss zombies, wow he must have put in another $3 for a continue. Douche leads the others into a torture room where he rips of the Douche mask to reveal himself as Spanish. He more resembles a patchwork quilt than a man now but he has his zombie lackeys hold down Obvious Hero while Broody is obviously petrified with fear. Now comes my second favourite line in this movie. Obvious Hero says “You did all this just so you could become immortal, why?” to which Spanish replies “to live forever”. Everyone please with me, WELL NO SHIT!!

Unfortunately for Spanish decaying corpses don’t make good muscle and Obvious Hero breaks free, kicks Spanish in the nards and grabs Broody. He lets off a couple of grenades as they escape to the forest. The explosion goes off but Spanish will not be defeated that easily and appears to attack our two heroes with a sword. Boll brings back the 360 pan camera for this fight to make it even more awkward, thanks Uwe I really missed that nauseating feeling. During the fight Broody gets stabbed in the chest, you know stabbed in the part of your chest that doesn’t bleed. This angers Obvious Hero who cuts Spanish’s head off. Being immortal however Spanish’s headless body starts to choke Obvious Hero. Broody decides she isn’t dead and walks over to Spanish’s head and squashes it while whimpering the catch cry “game over”. That would be really effective if this movie had referenced a game in anyway but it doesn’t so it instead comes off completely retarded. Broody decides now she is dead.

The FBI arrive, for some reason, and rescue Broody and Obvious Hero. They ask for Obvious Hero’s name (which has been Rudy the whole time) and he responds with Rudolph Curien. OOOOOHHHHH, so this is a prequel to how Curien became an evil genius. Hey no wait that makes no sense. If he went through such a traumatic event and was clearly on the side of good why on earth would he turn evil, if anything from this back story Rudy should be the hero of the games in sort of a Chris Redfield/Leon Kennedy sort of way. That’s great Boll not only did you mess up the movie but you did it to mess up the back story of one of the main characters from the game, well done!

Boll's message to all of his fans

Well that is House of the Dead and what else can you say apart from the fact it is a steaming pile of rubbish. There a plot holes everywhere, it defies the most sacred conventions of zombie movies and worst of all it has absolutely nothing to do with the game it is based on. So next is the herculean task of trying to make this into a passable movie, lord help me.

Did I Fire Six Shots Or Only Five - Top 15 Video Game Guns

Like long running television programs have the clip show online reviewers have countdown lists as a way of informing people about various trivial things arranged in an arbitrary order (also great after killing a number of brain cells after a massive session on the brews). Since I need to recuperate my brain I thought I would bring the first of what will probably be many top 15 lists. You may be wondering why top 15. Well I figured top 10 is a little too cliché, I can’t do top 11 thanks to a certain someone (he remembered it so I can’t use it) and anything over 20 is getting a little too self indulgent. So I rested on 15 as a nice enough number to get my point across. One thing I will say about these lists right off the bat is that they are purely my opinion. I’m not trying to sit here and say this is what everyone believes….. that would be communism. No simply put these are the best of the category I have chosen for me, that way you can get a little more insight into what I am all about and either agree with me or think I am a complete fool. Having now laid down the basic premise let me begin my first ever top 15 list.


Video games have always been a treasure trove of new and innovative ways in which to brutally destroy an opponent. Whether it be bullets, plasma, blades the creepy people in charge of arsenal development within the gaming community are always trying to outdo themselves in the art of maiming. To celebrate these unsung warmongers I am going to count down my favourite video game guns of all time. When going through the lists of weapons I had I only set two criteria for this. Since this is a countdown of top 15 GUNS I set that the weapon would need a trigger and require some discernable form of ammunition. That’s enough with the introductions; let’s move on to the cavalcade of slaughter.

Number 15 – Shrink Gun (Duke Nukem 3D)

“I’m going to crush you like a bug” is an often touted catch phrase when setting into battle against an adversary, but what if you could actually mean it. Well with the Shrink Gun from Duke Nukem 3D you can. Yes from the pig shooting, stripper loving badass who has been in hibernation for what seems like an eternity we get this gem of a gun. The reason why I love this gun is because while the Shrink Gun itself is not lethal running up to enemies and squashing them under your boot is very much so. The added beauty is that being a Duke Nukem game you always knew Duke had some smartass thing to say when squashing enemies. Of course the gun isn’t without its flaws and there are quite a few when it comes to the Shrink Gun. Firstly the fact you can’t use the weapon on bosses is a major detractor, not that the bosses were particularly difficult in Duke Nukem but when you find a gun you like you want to know it can still pack a punch against the big boys but sadly the Shrink Gun is completely ineffective (otherwise the game would be far too easy). Another issue is the fact that the Shrink Gun is almost completely useless when fighting multiple enemies. Because you have to walk over to the enemy to finish him off if there any remaining enemies within range they will blast you into the middle of next week before you even get a chance to kill the one you just shrunk. This may lead you to believe the gun is complete garbage but trust me you never get over the satisfaction of squashing those minigun toting salamander bastards in the space segment of the game, good family fun.

Time for some shrinkage

Number 14 – The Golden Gun (Goldeneye 007)

Coming out of possibly the greatest game to be on the Nintendo 64 is The Golden Gun from Goldeneye 007. For those of you that have never played Goldeneye the Golden Gun is basically the best magnum to be found in any game. It is one hit kill…. ALL OF THE TIME! You can shoot some poor asshole in the thumb with this and it will have them down for the count in mere seconds. This gun appeared mostly in the multiplayer mode of Goldeneye and as such it was primarily used to piss off your friends when playing against them. This unfortunately did lead to one of the biggest issues with this gun, SPAMMERS. I cannot count the amount of times I have been kicking my friend’s ass only to have them find the Golden Gun and have them camp and raise their frag count. While on the subject this is a message to all you spammers and campers out there, grow some fucking balls and come out and fight with the rest of us! Victory is earned through valiant combat not being a little pussy that hides away from battle!!! Phew, alright glad to get that out, I’m back off my soapbox now. Another slight issue I have with the gun is that it’s not particularly inspired. It’s just the regular handgun painted gold. However, as with the Shrink Gun, these minor issues can be forgiven for a gun that is lethal 100% of the time, at the very least it saves on ammo.

Friend of warrior and spammer alike

Number 13 – Rocket Launcher (Time Splitters 3)

When putting this list together I wanted to get as much variety as possible, rather than every weapon being a giant fuck off weapon. Thinking like that I knew I wanted a rocket launcher in this list, but which one. Normally I’m not big on rocket launchers in games, they are normally big and bulky with horrible fire rates and a good chance you might accidentally blow yourself up. This however is not the case with the Rocket Launcher from Time Splitters 3. The fire rate is fantastic due to the fact that, since Time Splitters is not based entirely in reality, they could mess around with the design of this rocket launcher. Instead of having to load individual rockets into this launcher like conventional RPG’s the one in Time Splitters has a clip of rockets that can be fired at a decent rate and then be reloaded. This weapon’s party piece however comes in the shape of its alternate fire which lets you unload the entire clip of six rockets in the space of about two seconds. This makes for great room clearing capacity if you don’t feel like putting much finesse into it, and also it is great fun. As with the other two guns this one does have its flaws and in this case it comes in the form of its damage. With most rocket launchers they are a one hit kill affair, even if you catch someone in the blast it will still come close to killing them. The rocket launcher in Time Splitters 3 has to be a direct hit and even then there are no guarantees that it will be lethal. However for the ease of use, excellent fire rate and mad alternate fire this would be the rocket launcher I would gladly take into any battle.

Clips in the back, rocket propelled death at the front

Number 12 – Super Sheep Launcher (Worms)

Ahhh Worms, what a marvelous game. The simple concept of little worms blasting the living shit out of each other with a litany of bizarre weapons is just awesome. From the ever useless prod to highly destructive Banana Bombs there were some classic weapons to come from this game. The Super Sheep Launcher would have to be the most unique gun to make it onto this list but it is hard to top this with any other weapon from Worms. For the benefit of those who have not played Worms, and if you haven’t download it now, the Super Sheep Launcher was a weapon where you actually fired a sheep with a cape on (how else would you know it was super) who flies heroically into the air only to scream straight into your enemy and explode. Not only was the explosion highly effective in either blowing your enemy up or blowing them off the screen but it was very easy to aim as well, which couldn’t be said for some of the other guns in Worms. If that wasn’t cool enough the sheep also has its own Superman type theme music as it sailed into the air. This was to let whoever you were playing know they were in for a world of hurt. If I had a criticism of this gun it is that the only way you really got it was to include it in a multiplayer map so you never had the sense of satisfaction of finding it as you knew it was going to appear on a map (or you could even start with it). Before I move on I do want to address an issue people might have with this entry. Yes I know full well that in Worms it is only called the Super Sheep and has no reference to being a gun but I figure that there is ammo for it, in the form of Super Sheep, and you press a button to fire it there by having a trigger. I know there is a lot of assumption in that but I am happy to make it to include a gun that is great fun and just silly enough.

You get the idea.

Number 11 – Fat Man (Fallout 3)

The world has been ravaged by nuclear war, radiation contaminates water supplies and shelters and hideously mutated atrocities roam a barren wasteland. What better reason is there to add a couple of points to the ol’ Geiger counter by pumping off a few mini-nukes of your own. One of the more celebrated weapons in the revamp of Fallout (the Alien Blaster probably more so) the Fat Man really did let you even the score against pretty much all the inhabitants of the DC wasteland. While not looking particularly impressive, it looks like to girders bolted onto a bit of aluminum the mushroom cloud that rises from the detonation of the mini-nukes that the Fat Man fires are incredibly impressive. While most games simply settle for their big fuck off gun to give off a massive explosion the sight of that mushroom cloud does make the Fat Man stand out. My problem with this gun comes out of the rarity of its ammunition. While it is not uncommon to scatter ammo for the big gun in any game so you can’t just simply cruise through it Fallout 3 took this to the extreme. I’m not sure of the final count but I think it’s something like 30 mini-nukes can be found throughout the ENTIRE game. The ammo is also well hidden so sometimes you won’t have a stockpile of mini-nukes anywhere near this. As such it makes you very hesitant to use it because your gamer instinct is telling you something bigger and badder is just around the corner. Still when you do let loose with the Fat Man it makes you thank god you found the mini-nukes you did.

Not much to look at but will mess you up.

Number 10 – Pulse Rifle (Alien Vs. Predator 2009)

For this one to make sense you all must know one thing, I fucking love the movie Aliens. It is one of my favourite Sci-Fi movies of all time so as such you can imagine how much joy I have being behind the sights of the Pulse Rifle. It’s not as if the gun itself is anything special, the Pulse Rifle is simply a short burst machine gun with a grenade launcher attached to it, but it is all the little things that make it special to me. The fact that it is not completely automatic and you need to time the bursts to kill enemies, the rate of fire of the grenades that come out of it and the biggest of all the sound the Pulse Rifle makes when you fire it. It is a very distinct noise and if you don’t believe me go and watch the movie, which you should do anyway if you haven’t seen it and you’ll know what I am talking about. Being a fan of Aliens has led me to play a lot of quite average Alien inspired games. There are some that are halfway decent and others that are completely useless and while all of them have the Pulse Rifle I believe that Alien Vs. Predator from 2009 is the one that most accurately portrays how it would feel to properly have this gun at your disposal. Again this list is highly personal to me but just imagine your all time favourite movie inspired gun and then being able to digitally use it yourself and you will have an idea of why the Pulse Rifle made it on my list.

Like to keep this handy for not so close encounters

Number 9 – Gravity Gun (Half Life)

Before I even start I know I am breaking one of my rules with this inclusion, seeing how the Gravity Gun does not take any discernable form of ammo but I did have to include this because it is one of the most creative weapons out there. Many games have adapted to include some form of the Gravity Gun but the gun from Half Life is still the original and the best. Basically instead of using bullets the Gravity Gun picks up objects and hurls them at enemies therefore you a really only limited to how resourceful you can be to dispatch enemies. It does lead to great moments where you go into a new area and see something particularly nasty and think “I want to send that hurtling towards some poor bastard”. My only major issue is that the game will sometimes not allow you to use it by not leaving anything in the area to use as ammunition but in reality this just makes you have a keener eye for when there is something to use. Something from such a simple concept really proves to be fantastic fun.

Number 8 – Ripper (Dead Space)

Throughout gaming history there have been very few weapons that are as vicious and gruesome then the Ripper from Dead Space (perhaps the Cerebral Bore). Actually before I continue I would like to address the reason why the Cerebral Bore is not on my list, when it is on pretty much everyone else’s. It is quite simple, I have never played Turok 2 and as such I can’t say whether I would like it or not. From the looks of it they basically took the balls from Phantasm and put them in a gun, which is an awesome concept, but if I haven’t used it I’m not going to say I like it because I don’t know if I would. Right ok now that it out of the way back to the Ripper. For those of you that haven’t played Dead Space the Ripper is a machine that fires a circular saw blade about five meters in front of you and allows you to swing it wildly at enemies. Why this is relevant is because the whole point of Dead Space is to sever the limbs of the Necromorphs to defeat them, which you could imagine the Ripper does quite effectively. Funnily enough the Ripper is not the most effective gun in the game, for me that goes to the Line Gun, but it certainly is the most satisfying. When you are getting swarmed by those Necromorph bastards it is a great form of stress relief to fire a ripper blade and watch your foes fall like wheat to the scythe and then just have the ripper blade remain spinning amongst the corpses….. just to make sure nothing is left moving. I will say I am specifically talking about the Ripper from the original Dead Space. The Ripper from Dead Space 2 (or any sequels should they come) was a little too big and the blades that came with it looked like they were surplus from Acme after Wile E. Coyote had bought his share. The Ripper from the first game is a little more subtle and just as effective.

Number 7 – Hammer of Dawn (Gears of War)

Satisfaction over efficiency, the simple motto that I use to describe the Hammer of Dawn. If you are one of those people who just wants an everyday use gun with a good fire rate and plentiful ammo then you will hate the Hammer of Dawn whereas if you are like me and enjoy watching your foes be destroyed in spectacular ways than this is the gun for you. Again I am breaking my rules, I really wish I hadn’t mentioned my selection criteria, as the Hammer of Dawn does not take ammo instead it locks onto a satellite to send a concentrated beam of sunlight right through your opponent. The first time I ever nailed a Berserker with it I always got the impression that I had summoned God to crush my enemies as the beam of light is quite magnificent. There are a lot of reasons to hate this gun. For one it can only be used outdoors, and coming from a satellite communications background like I do I really appreciate the realism in that. Secondly there are only certain enemies for which the Hammer of Dawn is effective so you simply can’t carry this around and roast anything you want to. While I understand how this might annoy some people for me it just makes you appreciate the parts when you get to use it more. The Hammer of Dawn isn’t simply a big fuck off gun; it is an entire stage production of fuck offness.

Thankfully not nearly as stupid as the sun beam in die another day

Number 6 – Spread Shot (Contra)

There is no gun in this list that is more crucial to success in a game then the Spread Shot from Contra. While there are a few that make life easier, and the rest are purely for show, the Spread Shot is absolutely vital to progress in Contra. Coming from the 8-bit era the gun is quite simple in that it is simply a power up that allows you to fire in multiple directions to take out enemies who may be coming from below or above you. Given the level of design of Contra with multiple tiers of land from which enemies can attack you the freedom to be able to hit them without having to move and risk being shot it a godsend. It is this dependence though that can work against the Spread Shot. Because you do really need it and when it is not readily available you (or at least I did) find yourself screaming at the game to give it to you. While the good guns should be valuable to make them overly so can sometimes make you hate them a little. However if you are skilled at all, which clearly I’m not, then this should not be an issue. While not the most impressive gun on this list it is the most important.

One of the most glorious sights in gaming.

Number 5 – Chicago Typewriter (Resident Evil 4)

One of the coolest guns in this list the Chicago Typewriter from Resident Evil 4 is your reward for beating the side missions involving Ada Wong as well beating the original game. As you might have figured out the Chicago Typewriter is simply a Tommy Gun but in Resident Evil 4 it is beefed up to the max. It basically has shotgun power at machine gun speed meaning anything in your way, and I do mean anything, is going to be completely annihilated. The reason why is it cool is because when unlocked it also comes with a Dillinger-esk costume for Leon to wear so he looks completely gangster. Oh and did I mention it has infinite ammo. With this gun pretty much anyone can beat this game, and therein lies the issue. The Chicago Typewriter makes the game too easy that it can detract somewhat from the experience. This however is not an issue for me because I think Resident Evil 4 is a fantastic game that I don’t mind powering my way through it, occasionally giving off the cool little hat adjustment pose Leon does when you “reload” the Chicago Typewriter. The one thing I will add is that this gun is not the hardest to unlock in Resident Evil 4, that honor goes to the Hand Cannon, but ironically the Hand Cannon isn’t nearly as good as the Chicago Typewriter…. I’ll leave you to figure that one out.

Dammit someone apparently beat me to a caption.

Number 4 – Ebony & Ivory (Devil May Cry)

I am going to lay down a challenge to anyone reading this. I want you to name me a better sidearm, that you start the game with, then Ebony & Ivory from Devil May Cry. There may be some out there but I haven’t managed to find them yet. Ebony & Ivory are the only guns I can think of that you start the game with and you never find a gun through the game that is better than them. They are not the most powerful weapons but they make up for it in versatility and effectiveness. For those who don’t know Ebony & Ivory are the two handguns Dante starts with in the Devil May Cry series and again, like the Chicago Typewriter, they have infinite ammunition. As I said they are not strong enough to take enemies by themselves, unless you fancy sitting there forever taking an enemy down, but rather they are used to help string combos together against different enemies by providing long range support before you can wail on them with one of Dante’s many swords. They are made even better when Dante is put into gunslinger mode as he can then multi-directionally fire as well as pull off some unique moves with them in the air. That challenge at the beginning was not just false moxie on how good I think Ebony & Ivory are I really want someone to let me know because I can’t find better starting pistols in any game I have played.

Together in disharmony

Number 3 – Flak Cannon (Unreal)

Ok, cards on the table, when playing shooters my accuracy leaves a lot to be desired. I would never be picked to be a sniper but rather prefer to be a heavy trooper and get up close and personal with a target. Playing in this style means you will be introduced to a lot of shotgun type weapons, those which can obliterate anything that even gets remotely close to you and I am still yet to find a weapon that does this more effectively then the Flak Cannon from Unreal. As its name suggests it fires multiple pieces of shrapnel at your enemy at high velocity causing them to be ripped to shreds. I am deadly serious when saying if you fire this at anyone who is within ten meters of you they do not have a hope in hell of surviving. It has a pretty decent fire rate as well and given the right map ammo can be plentiful for the Flak Cannon. I do have very fond memories of playing Unreal Tournament in computing studies at school, because what else were you going to do, and while everyone was off trying to hunt down a Redeemer or a Sniper Rifle I would find my beloved Flak Cannon and simply hunt down fuckers who were trying to find a place to camp. Good times good times. But enough nostalgia I do truly believe this is the best close combat anti personnel weapon in any game and given my complete lack of ability to headshot from a distance that earns big marks from me.

Number 2 – BFG 9000 (Doom)

What is there to say about the BFG that hasn’t already been said? This is the Big Fucking Gun that led the way for every other big fucking gun. Everything from the complete annihilation it leaves on the screen to the giant smirk the Doom avatar gives when he finds the BFG makes it awesome. I really don’t think I need to explain in great detail why the BFG is awesome as we all know why. It’s the BFG…… Enough Said!!!!

Eat Death!!!

Number 1 – Precision Rifle (Red Faction)

The Precision Rifle from Red Faction has to be the most complete gun I have ever used in a game. It has the range to be a sniper rifle, the power to be a shotgun and the firing rate to be close to a machine gun. The Precision Rifle is found late in the Red Faction single player game carried by almost every enemy meaning ammunition is plentiful. It is basically a small sniper rifle that has an upped fire rate and the ability to be fired while not using the scope. It is so powerful and fast that it will mince an entire squad of enemies in seconds and then the ammo can simply be recollected from those you have just dispatched. I am quite serious when I say I have not found a gun that can cater to every type of shooter gaming style quite like the Precision Rifle, hell you can even switch from being a sniper to a heavy trooper mid game if you want to switch it up a bit and you will be just as effective. The only negative thing I have to say about it is that the gun was never continued beyond the original game. I purchased Red Faction: Guerilla praying they would have brought it back but unfortunately it was not the case. Still I have my copy of Red Faction and my PS2 when I feel like getting behind the trigger of my favourite video game gun.

My Number 1

So ends my first list, hopefully I haven’t pissed too many people off by leaving anything out but again I will reiterate this is simply my opinion so please don’t think I am trying to speak for you. Next time I take a rite of passage that all online reviewers must take during their lives. I am going to review……… an Uwe Boll movie!!

Clive Barker's Jericho - The Remedy

MULTIPLAYER!!!! I really wish this one was more challenging than that but in reality adding multiplayer to almost any type of game, especially a first person shooter, makes it better. I know that there a plenty of games that have attempted to add multiplayer to their game play options and failed miserably but in those instances (Dead Space 2 comes to mind) the original game is normally pretty good and the addition of multiplayer ruins it. But Jericho is already shit so in reality if the multiplayer isn’t particularly good it’s still going to be better than the single player game. On top of this it’s squad based, meaning if you could create a multiplayer version of the game online then you could have one person control each member of the squad and it would not only make the game far more challenging (as you would only have one medic) but it would also breathe some life into the dreary and repetitive game play. Really, just think about it for a second, even though the fights in Jericho aren’t inspired at all you could still set up some forms of strategy to give you an edge in battle, as opposed to playing it with AI partners who just run head first into gunfire and get annihilated. However I can hear a few of you saying that this game was pretty early on in the next generation cycle so the ability to harness Xbox Live or PSN might not have been readily available and that is a fair point but there is another way of adding multiplayer to a game. It is a little archaic by today’s standards but even using split screen multiplayer would have made this infinitely better. Before you start hating on me for squishing the game into two indefinable rectangles hear me out. Basically I would have it so at the start of the game you had to pick one character each and assign one of you to be the medic. If neither of you had chosen Rawlings then you would have a second medic and basically press through the game that way. I know there are character specific actions throughout the game but I’m sure you could make it in such a way that the game could handle these on its own without you having to intervene, and for the single character chapters (of which there are only two) one person would simply sit out for a little while. At least this way you would have to be more battle aware as to who has died and work around that instead of being able to charge people head first into battle in the comfort that you will be able to shoot yourself into another character in mere seconds. At the very least you have a second person to take your mind off how mind-numbingly stupid this game is.


Okay, now that the most obvious point is out of the way what else could be done to improve this game. I alluded to this in my review but the level design for this game is appalling. Battles will normally take place in corridors with random shit scattered around the place to act as rudimentary cover. In a squad based shooter where each character has its own special weapons and special powers this is just unacceptable. Each type of character needs to be considered when designing levels and battlegrounds. Having sniper nests and pill boxes for Black to hide in, narrow bottle necks that if used properly Delgado could use to destroy enemies in a row and urban settings where Cole’s grenades could to be used to clear rooms where enemies might be hiding. These are just a few examples of how you can alter the fighting terrain in order to make the experience of battle more rewarding. Really a game like this should have a level design whereby before entering an area you should be thinking “who would be the best person for this section of the game”. The game at present had me simply thinking “Delgado will take care of this in no time”. Seriously the only time I ever switched from playing as Delgado was if I needed to because of character specific section or if I got so shit bored playing as the same character that I had to switch to protect my sanity. The rest of the characters may as well have been drones who had no personality because I really didn’t give a rat’s ass about them. Having some varied terrain would have done this game no end of good.

I think the plot needs to be addressed next. Before I start I will say that the plot isn’t all that terrible. While it can be full of rambling religious rhetoric and be a little wayward at times it does do a decent job at building tension toward the final boss fight against the Firstborn. My problem lies in the fact that any real significant chunks of plot development are spread so far apart from one another that I find it really hard to keep the motivation to keep playing. Knowing that I have to press through however many waves of boring after boring enemy fights only to get a smidge of the story explained to me is hardly worth it. An example of a game that overcame this was Final Fantasy 12. While not the best game out there (and having one the biggest anti-climaxes in video game history) it did have a decent story so I didn’t mind hacking my way through the same encounter a number of times as I knew I would get a decent cut scene at the end of it. Simply put Jericho needed to really flesh out its story and not be afraid to have cut scenes that ran for a decent amount of time. Doing this as well gives you the advantage of being able to develop the characters a little more so we might actually care about the fate of them and their plight against the first born, instead of seeing them as meat puppets that are easily sacrificed. I’m not suggesting this game go as over the top with cut scenes as Metal Gear Solid 4 did but having cut scenes that last more than two minutes would not be the worst thing to happen to this game.

Seeing as this game came from the man behind Hellraiser I was fully expecting to be in for a treat when it came to the enemies in this game, after all the Cenobites are some of the most gruesome creations to come out of the golden gory age of eighties horror. Yet what we are given is pathetic. Most of the time it felt like I was fighting pieces of moldy bread that could shoot at me more than the unholy forces of a hell trying to escape its dank prison. I will admit there is one enemy I do like in this game. They come in around two thirds into the game when you travel to the time of the Crusades. You are sent to a dungeon where many child soldiers were sent to die and as such when you get there ghostly children are weaving all around the room. Just when you think they are harmless they take form and become ugly fucking things that slash out at you with disfigured tentacles. This works because children are naturally creepy and the first time one takes form it does take you by surprise. This game desperately needed more enemies like this. I know some of these seem like clichés but having enemies that contort and spider walk at you, or enemies who disappear only to be standing right behind you when you turn around would really have added that chill element that this game really needs. While I am speaking of enemies the bosses need a serious revamp. Firstly they are insanely easy. With the exception of the Firstborn who can be a massive pain in the ass if you have no idea how to fight it the rest can be taken care of in less than a minute in most cases. Secondly in these sorts of games you expect the boss to be a giant mass of disgust, eeriness or downright terror. Looking at the boss roll call for this game we have a fat zit, a floating statue and a retarded German meter maid. Hardly what I would call bone chilling, I’ve seen scarier sights in a Muppets episode (seriously those puppets are freaky!) The real tragedy here is that with the period piece motif this game runs with there was great potential to make some truly great bosses. For example at the end of the Crusades level the archbishop at the end should have been a monstrous entity, covered in the crying souls of the children who perished at his hand, constantly grabbing at you to save them from the torment they are attached to while the boss uses the children to try and assimilate you into him. There a probably better examples of this but I think you get the idea, simply having a floating Venus Di Milo that casts a Nova spell does not cut it at being a proper boss.

I want to now address one of the main points of my review of Jericho, the fact that Billie Church is completely useless. Normally I wouldn’t care that one out of six characters was not particularly effective but the fact that Church is so utterly terribly something needs to be done in order to make her matter, to some degree. I thought about this for a while and thought the best way to handle this would be to add an element of stealth to the game. Given that Church is armed with a sword, which is perfect at silently taking enemies out, why not let her be the infiltrator of sorts and try and cut enemy heads off without the others suspecting. You can even keep her emo blood letting powers, simply change the one that stalls people (you know the one Jones can do more effectively) and make one that turns her invisible. This game is hardly grounded in reality so what is to stop Church from having this power, no one will second guess it, and then you can add a sort of Splinter Cell aspect to the game play. Basically have parts where you find enemies patrolling an area and have Church (whose invisibility only lasts a short while) try take them out silently. This gives you a break from the monotony of the fight scenes currently in the game and actually makes Church fun to use. I have no idea how the game developers did not think to use Church in this way, it seems perfectly logically….. Oh right logic, sorry I forgot that was left out of the game development process.

I said at the top that multiplayer was the biggest improvement this game could make but over the course of writing this remedy, and the review, I have noticed one major issue that would have to be addressed before multiplayer even came into it. I have noticed I have said the word “repetitive” quite a lot, ironically. This is definitely the worst aspect of this game in that you do the same thing over and over again without break. Come to think of it that was the biggest problem of John Woo’s Stranglehold so both John Woo and Clive Barker pay attention as I am going to let you in on a little secret about us gamers. WE LIKE TO BE ENTERTAINED!! We are a lot like movie goers in that respect but unfortunately the same conventions in film cannot be translated over to games because variety needs to be readily available. It doesn’t even need to be anything too out of the box, in fact let me run through a few ways you could have varied the game play.

1. Puzzles. The oldest video game convention. Breaking up the combat with a few lateral thinking puzzles can give the over violent side of the brain a rest, even if only for a few seconds. In addition after solving a puzzle more often than not you are ready to get back into the business of fighting.

2. Varied combat styles. I hinted at this at the top with making Church stealthier. Don’t make every battle in a game a frontal assault, or ambush. Have some stealth sections, have sections where Black defends the team from afar with her sniper rifle, or have scenes where Jones has to solve an astral projection maze within a certain time frame or the rest of the squad dies. Things like this can make the game feel more fresh and vibrant as opposed to the walk-shoot-walk-shoot mentality the game has now.

3. Skill trees. Yes even something as simple as a skill tree can take your mind onto another matter for a moment or two. Being able to select what to upgrade for each character and when gives the gamer some control and an ability to make that particular play through feel like their story, not yours. Almost every game has some form of skill upgrade system so there is no reason not to include one in any game.

While the ideas above are hardly original they need to be present in almost every type of narrative game because quite simply we do not live in the 16-bit era anymore where 10-12 vibrant colored levels of repetition will suffice. In reality if you can’t grasp this simply concept that you have no business in the world of games and should go back to directing B-Grade movies where this mentality is somewhat effective.

That closes the book on Jericho. I can now bury this game in the darkest recesses of my cupboard, never to be seen again. Next time I will be succumbing to the oldest ritual of online reviewers……. The Top 15 list.

The Hellbound Game - Jericho Review

A well known recipe for disaster in the world of gaming is when lazy game developers create a cheap movie to game tie in which normally is bland, uninteresting and an unadulterated way to raise revenue for the movie. What would happen however if the director of a movie left the comfort of his tailored director’s chair and sat in the dank lifeless realm of the game developer? Would these normally creative minds applying their trade to the world of gaming be enough to baulk this trend of movies and video games not co-existing? Sadly, as brilliant an idea as this does sound, the two most recent attempts of a director trying to create a game have fallen on their collective faces. I did initially attempt to write a review for John Woo’s Stranglehold but that game is so frightfully boring, repetitive and uninspired that I was afraid my review would be just as boring and uninspired. I therefore have decided to take a closer look at Clive Barker’s attempt at creating a game with Jericho.


For those of you who might not be too familiar with Clive Barker let me enlighten you. Barker is best known for his Hellraiser series, the cinematic home of horror icon Pinhead. Pinhead, along with his fellow Cenobites are the main draw card for this series of horror films and with their fantastically gruesome appearances and demonic presence one wouldn’t be wrong to get a little excited about the hellish visions that Barker could have the player endure throughout this game. As you may have picked up though this is not even close to being delivered in the game, but I’m getting a little ahead of myself as I haven’t even told you about the game yet.

Pinhead was very angry that Jericho was not released on GameCube

The world of Jericho takes place in modern times with you taking control of Devin Ross, the commanding officer of an elite team of “mystic warriors” known as the Jericho squad. Witches with guns is how Ross describes the team as they fly into a section of the Middle East called Al Khali to investigate some paranormal activity in the area, which takes the form of a giant tornado, I was hoping to land to see Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton trying to get Dorothy to fly… mainly so I could shoot Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton. While riding the helicopter to the site you are also introduced to your main enemy, Arnold Leach. This is a pretty bad dude, bombings in London, attacks on children in Boston and gas attacks in…Sydney, Oh THAT’S IT MOTHERFUCKER!! NO ONE GASES MY TOWN!!! Well now that I have found a little extra motivation to stick my army boots securely up Leach’s ass I jump off the copter ready to run into a massive battle only to run into the games first, of many, issues. Ross gets an incoming communication from some Swiss idiot who apparently is somewhere relevant (I’m serious, this is as much as I could get out of this conversation) who informs you that Al Khali is currently surrounded by a tornado…. Well no shit! However whilst this captivating conversation is taking place Ross drops his gun and walks at around the same speed a snail covered in cement would move, and this happens every time someone needs to talk. It’s so horribly annoying that the game can’t carry on while the plot exposition is happening… you know like pretty much every other game lets you do. Unfortunately this is just the tip of a giant shit iceberg. At this point as well I would like to say a word on the character of Devin Ross. He reminds me of a mate I used to have at school, you know the person, that one who thinks that the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket is the funniest person alive and their personality should be a reflection on that one character…. That is Devin Ross. With lines like “C’mon Jericho you want to live forever” Ross immediately becomes a walking cliché and very annoying.

I have completed the first level of the game now….having not fought a single enemy. Sure I got to fire my gun as part of a “weapons check”, which I should say Ross’ weapon is a handy assault rifle/shotgun known as the Patrioteer, but to not be able to sink my teeth into some aspect of combat on the first level is unacceptable. I should mention that the “levels” in this game are not so much levels as chapters of the story that can vary in length and combat heaviness, no word of a lie there are several levels in this game with only one enemy for the entire level.

Moving through the next couple of levels I finally have the opportunity to fight enemies, which seem to grey people with pointy hands, I know I can hear your spine tingling from here, meeting people who occasionally talk about the First Born. You will have also noticed that due to Ross’ special power of reviving the dead you will spend less time fighting enemies then you will reviving your stupid team mates you have walked into harm’s way. I will warn you know that I will be revealing plot lines and spoilers so if you don’t want to know how the games turns out then by all means stop here and go and finish the game. The main aspect of Jericho’s game play comes when Ross is ripped to pieces by Leach, who has turned into a winged demon…… for some reason, and his spirit is transported into the other members of his team. At this point I was getting a little excited because I thought that the previous dreary game play was just a pre cursor to the now ass kicking gore fest that the rest of the game was going to be. How wrong I was.

So yeah, Ross is now fly food and you get to control one of the six remaining Jericho squad members with the ability to jump from one to another. At this point I fell it is only fitting I give you my guide to the usefulness of each member of your squad. To be as helpful as I can I will run through them from the most useful ass-kicker you could ever have to the person in the squad the equivalent of wind screen wipers on a submarine. Let’s get started.

Coming in at number one for the best person in your squad is Frank Delgado. Seriously, unless you have given yourself a handicap or want this game to be somewhat challenging then you will be playing as Delgado almost all of the time. The reason for this is because, for the main, he carries around a giant minigun as his primary weapon. Kiss accuracy goodbye as you simply hold down the fire button and leave a string of enemy corpses behind. I always feel a bit like Jesse Ventura from Predator when playing as Delgado, and it’s true that chewing tobacco will make you a sexual Tyrannosaurus. If this wasn’t enough Delgado’s secondary weapon is a cannon sticky taped onto a pistol grip. I know this game is supposed to be somewhat a suspension of disbelief but this is just not possible. I think a more subtle approach to Delgado’s side arm would have been a far better approach. His special power is also one of the best in the game as he sends a giant flame dragon to seek and destroy enemies. In short Delgado was built for one purpose and one purpose only, fucking shit up! Don’t think that Delgado doesn’t come without his issues because unfortunately when coming up with the character of Delgado Clive Barker went straight to the stereotype store and asked for their standard Hispanic model. That’s right everything that spews forth from Delgado’s mouth is a constant reminder that he is a minority which I assure you will make you go loco eh cabrone. Again subtly would have been the order of the day, but apart from this Delgado is your man for getting through pretty much the entire game.

Homie will mess you up!!

Next off the rank in terms of effectiveness is Simone Cole, your resident hyper nerd. You are going to notice a bit of trend towards clichés and stereotypes in this review and I do apologise for this however I am simply working with what the game is giving me. So as you can imagine fitting in with the nerd stereotype Cole always talks in big words that no one else understands and is constantly being belittled by the other members of the team. In terms of firepower Cole carries around a decently powerful assault rifle with a scope on it and her back up weapons are grenades that can be altered to be timed, proximity or regular which a decent enough if you just want to start spamming death at people. What makes Cole such an asset is her special ability to slow down time. Consider it like bullet time…… except not as good…. or polished……. or executed. Why I say this is because most games when they use their “bullet time” like to make the screen crisp and clear in order for you to use the slow down effect more efficiently. Jericho decided to make their bullet time the exact opposite and as Cole activates it the screen turns grainy like a 1950’s television set making it very hard to use it to its full potential. Having said that in some periods when bullets are flying everywhere it is very helpful to activate this and take stock on where your enemies are, hence why Simone Cole gets her position as second best member of your squad. If I am to be fair, except for the character specific sections you could use Cole and Delgado for the entire game quite comfortably (which I did on the hardest difficulty). Meaning that the next four squad members are ranked not by who is better, but rather who is worse.

See, wearing a sunvisor. Classic give away that you are a nerd

The best of the worst is Jericho’s resident sniper, Abigail Black. In keeping with the long list of clichés that this game is guilty of Black is an interesting case. Black is the culmination of every minority group not covered by the other members of the Jericho squad. This means she is emo, goth, lesbian and a whole cavalcade of other endearing character traits. I don’t know if Clive Barker knows the meaning of the word subtle (judging by the Hellraiser movies I doubt it) but someone desperately needs to teach it to him. Anyway, now that’s out of the way time to let you know why the sniper who is normally a necessity in games like this is not particular effective. This is not the fault of the character, who has a couple of interesting features on her sniper rifle, but rather the fault of the level design. The level design of this game is basic at best meaning you do not have situations where you can set a sniper nest. Every battle in Jericho is basically a frontal assault where either you are being rushed by melee using enemies or ranged enemies where very little cover is available. In both of those circumstances being a sniper is more of a handicap then a help. As I said her sniper rifle does have some special features, one being her ghost bullet ability where you can fire a bullet and guide it toward enemies. This is a little sluggish and hard to control but a decent attempt of something different. The far better feature is her secondary fire which is a missile fired from the rifle which annihilates anything it touches. I found the only time I ever used Black was when I was so furious with the game that I wanted to rampage, very therapeutic I assure you. However as I stated above this game is not made to give a special advantage to a sniper and hence this is all wasted due to lackluster level design.

I'm angry at men, angry at the world but mostly angry at Clive Barker.

Next up is Xavier Jones, your resident African American and well that’s about it. Jones is probably the most uninspired character in the game. His dialogue is boring, he has the same gun as Ross so that is nothing new and his power of astral-projection basically does nothing. The only time Jones even becomes somewhat useful is late in the game when he can really spam the shield using enemies by stunning them from a distance (hence why I have elevated him this high) but otherwise he is just thoroughly uninteresting.

God, even his pictures boring!!

Paul Rawlings is the member who finds himself second from the bottom for a number of reasons. Firstly, Rawlings is the only other person besides whoever you are currently inhabiting who can resurrect people so it’s counter intuitive to play as Rawlings as you will be taking away your only other “medic”. It’s annoying enough when you have to stop combat to play field medic but to guarantee that you have to play this to role by taking away the other healer is just insanity. This doesn’t mean you can leave all the healing to Rawlings because unfortunately Rawlings is the dumbest S.O.B in your squad. Rawlings, being the outspoken, deep south, priest of your squad (sayings like “praise the lord and pass the ammunition” are permanent reminders of this) I believe that he thinks he is protected by god and as such will run head first into any fight and get completely massacred. This of course means that you are back to medic duty for pretty much the entire game. A great feature of the game would be the ability to have Rawlings’ AI set to be hanging around the back of a battle and heal people, because one of his powers is to basically fire a spiritual Hado-Ken that revives people from a distance, but unfortunately that would require this to be a great game. In terms of weaponry Rawlings is armed with two desert eagles which are reasonably powerful but certainly nothing to get excited about. Rawlings is a great example of someone who should be integral to your success in this game being ruined by sloppy AI and programming.

That is exactly how he looks before he gets shot in the face!!

The prize however for most useless member of the Jericho squad, and wins it by quite a margin, is Billie Church. Church is your blood mage but seriously she is just making up the numbers because she has no redeeming features. I’ll start with her arsenal, she is armed with a machine pistol which is the equivalent of an automatic pea-shooter. It is insanely weak and completely ineffective against the stronger enemies later in the game. To add to this her secondary weapon is a sword. In any other game this might sound awesome but unfortunately enemies you encounter in Jericho either have long ranged weapons and will annihilate you before you can get close enough to use it or they are melee attackers and it still takes five or six slashes to take them down. If you’re going to have a character with a sword it better be one hit fatal to give you at least some reason to use it. Her special powers are not much to write home about either. Being a blood mage she has to cut herself (therefore leading to health loss) to either stun or set enemies on fire who are in close proximity to her. I’ll say that again, you injure yourself to stun others, doesn’t make much sense does it. To add insult to this Jones can do both of these things but do them at a distance and cause no damage to himself. I think the developers knew that Church was completely useless and hence they gave her the most character specific duties throughout the game, to give the illusion she is important when in reality she is a complete waste of time.

You don't deserve a full sized picture!!

Now that I have talked about the characters it is time to really dive into the game and firstly I have to talk about the look of the game. To be frank you better be a fan of brown and grey because those are basically the only colours you are going to see throughout the game. It is so uninteresting and hideous to look at that it’s almost enough to get you to stop playing on that alone. I understand that it’s a horror game so it needs to be dark and creepy but if I take a good horror shooter game, like Doom, you can see that yes Doom starts out the same with a lot of greys and browns but as you descend further into hell there are more vibrant reds and greens, there are even some blues around the place. To get that eerie feeling you can still have it interesting to look at but unfortunately in the world of clichés which this games lives in that does not register.

Another reason this game falls completely on its face is the lack of variety of enemies. For the first half of the game you run into approximately four different enemy types. It varies a little more after that but doesn’t reach more than ten different enemy types over the course of the game. For any game on a next generation console this is just not good enough, I mean for heaven’s sake Sonic The Hedgehog had more enemy types than Jericho does. On top of this the enemies aren’t the hellish visions one might have been expecting from Pinheads creator. They are mostly just muddled piles of flesh that lumber towards you without any great menace. The only enemy which is slightly creepy are the ghost children who are fought mid way through the game but that’s only because children are naturally creepy. On top of this the bosses, which there are only four throughout the entire game are just appalling. They are either way too easy, like the first boss where you simply need to cast a blood curse to catch her and the battle is over, or they are so badly explained that you have no idea what to do and you will get destroyed, the final battle with the first born is a good example of this where you have to mimic the moves it does to defeat it which you are never told to do. The worst example of this is during a boss fight against a bishop from the Crusades (I think his name is Malteus but really I couldn’t give a shit). This fight brings up everything that is wrong with the game. Firstly the boss himself is simply a statue who floats around without moving in any discernable way. I mean this is just lazy to create a boss that is a blank expressionless blob. Secondly there is a brief window in which he is vulnerable to attack but there is no indication on when this is you simply need to spray him with bullets and hope some get through to hurt him. Thirdly, and probably the worst, is that he has one attack (again another showing of laziness) in which he casts a supernova around himself that covers half the battle area and if you are anywhere near it you die instantly. Why this is bad is because you have very little control over how to maneuver your squad to get them out of harm’s way and as such you will always lose at least half your squad to a single attack and spend the time between attacks reviving those who have fallen. This one battle highlights almost every major problem with Jericho, except for one.

The sewer grate demon, one of the few enemies you will fight in Jericho.

The biggest problem of this game is the sheer repetitiveness of it all. The run of the entire game flows like this; walk forward, ambushed, kill enemies, walk forward, ambushed, kill enemies, walk forward, ambushed, kill enemies. This is the entire game and as you can imagine it is insanely boring, compounded by the lack of enemy types and dreary surroundings it makes this one giant lump of shit. Any half decent game developer knows that a smattering of puzzles and non-combat related facets in a game make it more varied and more enjoyable. I think that might be the problem with film makers trying to make the leap into games in that they can weave a decent story (which I will admit Jericho and Stranglehold both have) but unfortunately do not have the know-how about making that translate into compelling game play.

That finishes my trip into the world of Jericho, next up I will try and be Clive Barker’s off sider to help him make a far better game.